Thank God for ...............Zumba!!!

I have never been a good dancer. My cousin who tried to teach me once as a young teen told me, "Claudia, a transvestite dances better than you" (he was probably right).  I am "Latina" so you are probably saying I should probably be able to dance but.............I can't. Yeah, I can dance a little and go with the beat but I can't dance the way I should be able to and the way I would like to. As a young teen, dancing in a Latin family was as essential as breathing. Coming from a large family, there was always a birthday, anniversary, baby shower, that we went to, at least twice a month. At every function dancing was surely to be the center of the event. I would cringe at the thought of going to the parties because I knew one of my uncles would take me out to dance and I would most surely step on their feet and they would once again be reminded on what a talented dancer I was.  I was a "Project" to all my uncles.  Who would be able to teach me to dance Salsa, Merengue, Bachata or move at all?  No one was successful.  I had another cousin who told me I was a white girl trapped in a Spanish girls body (no offense but I think even "white girls" can move better than I can, my Caucasian friends move really well).  My Friend Leslie and Aimee can move their hips like they were Shakira.  When I got to College, you wouldn't believe how comfortable I got with dancing.  I guess it must have been the alcohol that let me relax and be free to move as I pleased.  I loved it, I felt like I had rhythm and those "white girls" they thought I could DANCE....the Spanish girls and Spanish boys and white girls who had rhythm...............well, they saw that I still couldn't.  So I had found the freedom of dancing to my hearts content with the help of "Labatt Blue" and shots of "Lemon Drops".  I still did not dare dance at those family functions but I just laughed to myself at those PARTIES because I had a secret.....I knew that back in Buffalo....I COULD DANCE.  That dancing continued after college which is how I met my Fabio, he thought I dance fine until he met my family and realized that I couldn't.  My sisters were always such good dancers and moved so freely......I did not get the gene.  I danced and danced and danced until I became a mother.  Yeah, I dance at a wedding here or there and with my kids (but they don't seem to mind mommy can't bust the move) but I have not danced at a Club or a Bar in a long time.  I have tried......believe me...I really have....but I can't seem to get that spark.  UNTIL ZUMBA. Oh boy, Zumba has opened a part of me that I thought was gone.  When I first started the class, I felt a little intimidated and nervous but now after going so many times I LOVE IT.  I feel free again to dance the way I used to (or feel like it).  I went with a friend tonight who I use to dance with back in my college years and she actually said "Claudia, you are not moving the way you use to, what happened to your rhythm".  She didn't see it during class?  I responded "It's there, its just exhausted from work and being a mother but it's there."  She looked at me puzzled.  Hey, I know I will never be  JLO's or Madonna's backup dancer but right now I am just loving that fact that I can move.  Zumba takes me away from everything.  I forget I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, I forget work  and most of all I forget I have RA.  I am young single Claudia, the one from college who danced and loved it.  I am happy with that for now. 

Roller Coaster

Being a mother is like being on a roller coaster. I was talking to a friend of mine today and she made me realize something. She is a co-worker of mine, lets call her "Jennifer". She and I were talking on how are weekend had gone. She is back to work again today and I am on vacation for a week for "Spring Break". It's not your typical "Spring Break", not a vacation at all, I am off but home with my two lovely boys. They are full of energy and full of a constant need for "mommy". "Mommy" is said every 5 to 10 minutes......in need of juice, food, entertainment and a full blown "Mommy, I am bored". Jennifer and I were discussing on how sometimes being a mom feels like you are going through an emotional roller coaster of feelings that you never experienced. Whether you are a stay at home or not, your feelings are all over the place. We were saying that when we are working we are wishing to be with our kids and missing them but when we are at home they are driving us crazy and we are so in need of a "take me away", feeling. It's like we are experiencing some form of Bipolar. I often think could I be having "late.....late.....late...post-par tum......or maybe pregnant again......or maybe developing symptoms of an anxiety attack." My friend "goggles" her symptoms and so I had to do it too, the things you find are so scary. We can't be the only moms who are feeling this way and I don't think we are. I think your marriage goes through a roller coaster too. One minute your are a happy couple with dreams of having children and they are just so well behaved and you are all smiling with glee. I think having children puts so much strain on a marriage. I don't think Fabio and I have had so many disagreements before having children. I mean we dated for 5 years and talked about everything but just somehow what to do about tantrums never quite came up. Nothing gets you in a worse mood than having your 5 and 2 year old throw a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant. Fabio always says, "It is amazing how your kids can set your mood for the rest of the day". He is so right, seeing your children smiling and laughing makes anything seem possible and tolerable. But throw a kid who is having a tantrum at 7am and then wakes your other kid up crying, you will know that you will not have such a great day. Sometimes, we do see traces of who we were before the kids. We will be in a crowded room and will look at each other and smile and its like "oh there you are". There are times that I see Fabio laughing at a party (adult parties) and I see how handsome he really is and I remember how much I love him. I see him looking at me sometimes and I am convinced he is thinking the same thing. I overheard Fabio this past weekend after all the Easter festivities died down talking to his dad, he said "I am so tired, when will this end Dad, my back hurts, the kids are so much work". His dad replied "it all goes by so fast Fabio, it really does and before you know it, your babies are making a life of their own and you will have all the time in the world without them". Sad but true. When I had Noah, the stress of working full time, having a baby and a 3 year old was too much to bear. Throw in having full blown Rheumatoid Arthritis and the blues, did not make me wife of the year. Fabio, said when he would pull in the driveway, he would cringe on the idea of how it would be when he walked through the door. Would I be happy Claudia, mean Claudia or emotional Claudia. I felt bad that he went through that. One day a box was delivered to him at the house. When he got home he opened it and inside was a picture frame with a nice quote "it all began when two people fell in love". He hung it right in the foyer, he said he would see it when he will open the front door every evening and be reminded why things were the way they were. We fell in love and created this family, chaotic and a mess during this time but nonetheless it came from love. Every time I walk in the door, pissed of after a work day and exhausted of the thought of what lies ahead, I see the sign and I am reminded all over again of why things are the way they are. We fell in love, two beautiful boys came from it and we are still in love.

My Super Happy, dancing, always hungry baby.

My Noah is the happiest 2 year old in the world. He has to be, he is lucky to be alive and he knows it. He doesn't take anything for granted. My pregnancy with Noah was a rough one. He and I survived THE SWINE FLU where at the time, pregnant women and their unborn child were dying. I even got a a priest sent to my room for my last confession and blessings. I was a goner. I had my sister, Aura crying by my bedside when I told her there were people by me touching my arm and their hands were cold. I was hallucinating due to fever being over 103.5. My poor Aura thought that it was angels coming to get me (I hope when they do come for me, their hands will be warm and that their cold hands is not an indication of me going to hell). I was in and out of conciousness and one time I woke up with my face wet and Fabio's face was on top of mine. He was crying, poor guy, he thought he would be a widow raising a child or possible two on his own. The doctors kept telling me (when I was awake) that if I started getting contractions, they would have to take Noah out and he would not survive, I was only 5 months. My room was quarantined. Only Fabio, Aura and the doctors and nurses were allowed in and they had to wear masks and were covered from head to toe. It was awful but most of all it was scary. Odds were against us but Noah held on. He fought like hell and he made it. I knew I had a fighter in my hands. The thing that was even scarier was that if I died, my Noah would probably die with me and I would not get to see Lucas again. He was not allowed to come to the hospital due to my condition and he only being 3 years old at the time. I had to fight to live for all three of my men. We survived. Two weeks before my due date, I fell and broke my tail bone. Noah survived that too. I kept working until about two days before my due date when I went into labor. My tail bone had healed but broke again due to my pushing during labor. The Epidural did not work after two attempts were made. I had Noah naturally and painfully. It was awful, I was choking Fabio at one point and the nurses had to physically removed me from him. He survived too. I cleared out the maternity ward with my screams (the next day, the nurses were talking about that loud woman screaming in the maternity ward, I just pretended to be sleeping). What I really wanted to do is smacked them and say "you try having a baby without any drugs and a broken tail bone". I screamed so loud that I think the whole town of Smithtown heard me. I was pleading for them to just cut him out, it was so painful that I wanted to just be knocked out and let them do the rest. I did not experience this with Lucas, sure it was painful and hard to push him out but it was doable and tolerable enough that I decided to once again get pregnant again and do it all over. I had always heard that the second baby comes out easily but not Noah, it was like he wanted to stay in, or I just didn't want to let him go. I think he probably wanted to come out since being inside me had not been so easy. This is why he is thankfull to be alive and loves life. Noah is always smiling, politely says hi to everyone, even to the little worm in the garden. He finds rhythm in everything, from the music coming from the television to the ring of my cell phone, he stops whatever he is doing and starts dancing. Due to him, we now have at least half an hour of dancing at our house. We shut the television off, turn off the phones and crank up the music and we dance, all four of us, bust the move with our dancing king. He makes us love life and be happy that we are in it. The world is an open buffet for Noah, he eats everything at every second of the day. I can't go shopping with him because he wants to eat everything right then and there. Lucas was never a good eater but Noah is making up for it. We are so use to fighting with Lucas to eat that with Noah we are not fast enough in providing food for him. I feed him before going out anywhere but still take about 5 to 6 snacks for him just in case, he goes through all of them and wants more (even when we are out only for an hour). If we need to bribe him with anything such as going to the doctor, an apple or grapes will do the trick. Noah loves food an in particular fruit, it isn't odd for him to have an apple, grapes, blueberries, at least 4 bananas and at least two oranges a day. Yes, the boy loves fruit and could live on only fruit. Noah, believes in sharing. If we go anywhere, and someone is eating anything and he has nothing in his mouth, he will fight to get to that food near him and take it nicely after saying hello of course. Noah loves food so much that he has no problem in expressing how he feels when he is eating, he humms while is eating and dancing if the tastes is that good. He is so loud at restaurants that everyone turns around to see us, we are use to it by now, thank goodness he is cute. Noah loves to read as well, he will sit in the rocking chair with books and read them, of course he can't read but he does go through each page, turns the page and makes up his own story with the characters in the books. He does this for at least 45 minutes. No book is uninteresting to him. As you can see, my Noah is really a happy boy. When ever I am feeling tired or sad or down, this little sunshine picks me right up with those rays of smile. He was meant to be here and he knows it.