Yelling............Patience.

I never use to yell and I had sooooooo much patience.  I think I could have been a nun with all the patience I had.  I could probably have gone through the convent training that they do in Italy where there is no talking and live in a quiet state of life ( I could probably use this now).  I could have done all of those things.  But that is the past, that was the old me and then the new me arose after becoming a mother. 

I mean I yelled at concerts, yelled at sorority functions in college (after a few drinks), my voice may have gone at a higher pitch (after a few drinks), I also have been known to sing really loudly in my car, I use to sing when I was a young. But this type of yelling, this voice that comes out of me out of frustration after repeating myself to my kids, negotitating until I am blue, bribing them, pleading with them, threatening them, this yelling I don't recognize.  The first time I caught myself yelling at a pitch that even scared me I wanted to cry.  Who was this woman?  Was I possessed?  Did I eat something bad?  Did I drink before?  NO!!!  It was me, a new layer that had unfolded.  IT WAS ME!!  I wanted to run away or admit myself somewhere and most of all I wanted to run to my Mother and Father and say "I am sorry".  I wanted to apologize to them for the times that I made those layers unfold for them.  I felt terrible and I grabbed Lucas and held him until he told me he couldn't breathe.  But after that first yell, came more and more.........and more.  I haven't stopped since.  I feel like I do it too often.  I once asked Lucas "what can I do to help you listen to me, what can I do for you to be a good boy".  His answer "stop yelling at me mommy".  I thought we had a breakthrough, this was the answer, super nanny and parent magazine was right.  So I made a pact, no yelling for a month but nothing changed.  He still had tantrums, he still didn't listen and he at times was not a good boy, he is a kid after all and that is normal.  Normal, I realized that my yelling is also normal for a mother.  I just needed "PATIENCE".

Like I said before patience was one of my talents.  I had patience for everything but that has disappeared.  Completely gone.  I don't have patience for my boys, for Fab's, for my whining cat, at the pediatricians office when I make an appointment but yet still have to wait with screaming children in tow.  I also loose my patience when going through the drive thru at "Dunkin Donuts" just to get a cup of coffee ( because the thought of getting out of the car, unbuckling, making sure they touch nothing in the store and then buckling was just too exhausting to do) and then the woman in front of me is ordering two dozens donuts and then is taking her time to pick which donuts and which colors she wants.  Why?!  I mean get the hell out of the car and stop holding up the line and get out of my way so I can get to my COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have no patience for that.  It's like when I go the store I am in a race with time.  I don't mess around, I unbuckle, put them in the cart, quickly remind Lucas about the rules of staying by the cart, speed walk like a mad woman in the store, go to the necessary aisles, skipping the candy, toy or anything that may look interesting to a kid, I get the necessary items and then speed walk to the smallest line and pray that they don't see anything appealing near the cashier.  I pray that they cashier guy knows what he is doing and that the person in front of me does not have any problems sliding the card through and paying for their items.  I pray for all of this because I know that at any second my patience will be MIA if something gets in my way of my mission to get out of the store without a tantrum, cry, fight and with all the necessary items I had to buy.  When that happens I AM A HAPPY WOMAN.  But like all you mothers know it rarely happens that way.  I have had times where as soon as we enter a tantrum happens, Lucas wants something, Noah wants to get out of the shopping cart, I leave everything in the cart and fight with them to buckle them into their car seats.  These are the times where i wish I had a designated driver so I could stop by the nearest bar and do a shot of tequila. 

I pray for this yelling to go away and for my patience to return. 

New layers of me that I never knew, how many more will unfold and when will the old me return.

Guilt

I never knew about "blogging" before this.  I thought it was something celebrities did to update you on their life's.  That is how old I am , so not with the times.  But, a friend of mine began a blog called "spiltmilk".  I love it, it was about her fantastic talent of crafts and doing her baby's nursery, she made everything fit so well together and practically made everything herself.  I also began looking to other blogs pertaining to "motherhood" and realize that I was not alone.  I was not the only one feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, juggling it all and full of "GUILT".  My sister "Aura" had said to me when you become a mother is when you will feel "guilt" like never before.  She was so right.  I feel guilty about everything.  I feel guilty as I am writing this and not spending time with them as they are playing with Fab in the family room.  When I leave for work, I feel guilty, when I am home I feel guilty because I am thinking of everything else to do around the house that I am not really there for them.  I feel guilty when I yell at them and when I am not with them.  Guilt,Guilt,Guilt.......................Guilt. 

My Fab's believe it or not feels it worse.  I can actually go out with my friends and enjoy myself without having the need to check in on them all the time.  Not my Fab's, he is always sending texts to see how the boys and I are doing.  Guilt again..................... that I don't do that. 

I remember "Aura", also saying that at her wedding she now realizes that all the married women looked around and probably laughed at her saying "poor girl, she is so happy, she has no idea how hard it is to keep a marriage alive".  She is right, along with Guilt about your kids, it's guilt about your marriage.  "was I really that mean to Fab's...?  Did I really need to snap at him?  Should I hang out with him instead of sleeping?". Guilt.   It goes both ways on that, it's hard not to snap and be mean to your significant other because they are there and you know that at the end they understand.   Fabio always says to me that everyone always thinks I am so sweet and never yell....if they only knew he says. He is right...I am not perfect but motherhood has brought out these layers in me that I never knew I had. 

Wise Aura, also said that at her baby shower women were probably saying "poor girl, she is so happy now but wait till the baby comes and she doesn't sleep and have a moment to herself, she won't be smiling that much".  She is right too.  I remember thinking how happy I was when Lucas was born.  Thinking all the other moms at the stores with their kids crying were just not "understanding" their kids or being "good moms".  I am that mom now with the screaming kids who I try to bribe with everything in that store and they are still screaming.  At first, I was humiliated.....what would people think.....they will think I am a bad mother who has no control of their children (breathe Claudia.....breathe).  Now, I have learned to let it go, if they are out of control I leave the store, there is no point in arguing with a toddler and a preschooler, its a losing battle.  But then the Guilt comes, I didn't get what I was suppose to at the store and "why can't I control them".  Guilt.

When I was home on maternity leave after having Noah, I was full of guilt.  It was so hard to be home with a baby, nursing, potty training a 3 year old and still trying to be the "welcome home honey" WIFE to Fab's.  I was never happy.  I could not wait to go back to work.  There are times, I wanted to run from Long Island to the office in New York City and scream "TAKE ME BACK....PLEASE TAKE ME BACK....GIVE ME ANY CASE......SEND ME OUT OF THE COUNTRY IF YOU NEED TO".  So instead I would breathe.  Guilt, why couldn't I handle this?  Why was I not happy with being home with my babies?  I did not have postpartum but I did have the blues.  I still feel guilty about those days but realize I am only human.  Glad, there are too young to remember that crazy mom they had for those two months.

I think I will always have "guilt".  I have learned that comes with Motherhood, I just hope that I don't scar them for life.  I think that "Guilt" is normal, afterall we made these babies, they are our whole world and you do want to be the best you can for them.

Breathe Claudia....Breathe

I always wanted to do what I am doing now.  Always....always.  I went to school for this and knew from the time that I was a child that this was the field I wanted.  Due to its sensitivity, I cannot say what I do but I love it.  I never thought of kids, marriage or anything of the sort, I was focused on my career but that all changed when I met "Fabio".  I met my "Fabs" as I like to call him on 1/30/99.  I had just graduated from college and was home in Brooklyn, NY, my friend Leslie, Aimee and my sister, Aura decided to take me out to celebrate at a bar in Long Island.  He asked me to dance and I giggle when he said his name (I know you giggled too) and he showed me his license to prove it and I stopped giggling.  We have been dancing ever since.  We dated for 4 years, were engaged for a year and now have been married for almost 8.  Now, we have two boys ages, 2 and 5 and I often wonder how we got here so quickly. 

I was raised in a very traditional hispanic upbringing.  My parents, sisters and I are very close, so close that I so wished for my mother and not Fabs to have been there when I gave birth to my two kids.  I would have said my daddy too but he would have probably fainted.  My parents raised their three girls to dream and dream...to be a career woman and never let anything stop you.  They taught us manners and responsibility.  We knew we had to go to college and make something of ourselves but they left one thing out MOTHERHOOD.  YES, THESE WONDERFUL PARENTS DID NOT SAY HOW HAAAAAARRRRD THIS WOULD BE.  I don't know if they purposely left that out so as to not deter us from having kids but they did.  I think they should have told us this "Girls not only do you have to have a successful career but you have to have at least two kids and be great mothers to them, but you also have to be an excellent cook, know how to do the laundry, keep the house cleaned, be a wonderful caring wife to your husband, be nice to others, smile pretty, be well groomed and most of all APPEAR to have everything under control.......... To that I just have to say to myself "Breathe Claudia....Breathe". 
Yes, they missed that and you know why because they had the last thing so perfectly hidden "APPEAR TO HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL".  YES, that's what I do....ask my friends who always ask "claudia, how do you do it all"......and now my secret is out.....I don't have everything under control.....I gave up on lists because I forget where I put them.....I gave up on alarms on my phones because I snooze them.....I am just a mess.  As you will see this Super Agent mom has nothing in order and maybe with your help and these blogs....I can get to at least smile pretty AND PRETEND I GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL. 

BREATHE CLAUDIA....BREATHE.