I still remember when I first laid eyes on my Lucas. He came out without crying, we thought something was wrong but as soon as I saw him I knew he was fine...perfect actually. The doctor brought him to me, to introduce me to my son, my first born and ....I fell instantly in love. They only showed him to me for a few seconds but I remember each second. His face was all wrinkled, his hands were up to his face but his eyes were squinting and he was looking around. He looked annoyed, his face had an expression of pure disgust "where the hell am I, why is it so cold and why are they lifting me up in the air". It's funny, he still does that wrinkly face expression when he is annoyed and it always brings me back to that same memory of when we first met. After our eyes met and I said "hi Lucas, I'm your mommy and this is your daddy" his annoyed expression was gone and his little mouth opened and he burst out crying as they took him away from us. Fabio and I laughed that he probably saw our faces and said "crap those are my parents, get me out of here".
Months and years went by and we fell in love with him more each day. Then we had Noah and Milah and although we fell in love with them as well, that first feeling that you get when you have your first child never goes away. Not that we love Lucas more but he seems to be growing at a faster pace than we would like and because we are distracted with raising the other two and with life we kind of seem to miss certain things and make mistakes. We always tell him he is our experiment child. We make mistakes with him sometimes or we do things wrong but that's only because we experience everything for the first time and we learn to do it better by the time we get to Noah and Milah. We always tell him "the first day you were home we brought you in the house in your car seat and we sat staring at you. We were scared of when you woke up. What would we do? How would we know what you need?
Lucas is now nine and in seven months he turns the big "10"...he will be "two digits" as he likes to say and Fabio and I are so not ready. He still asks for kisses and hugs and occasionally wants me to stay with him until he falls asleep but those times are becoming less and less. He is getting bigger and saying older things, he is embracing his is independence and wants more of it, wanting to branch out more....away from us.
One day he got back from soccer and took his shirt off and said "mommy I stink, do you know what that means, I need deodorant and I'm almost a man".
He now wants and worries about how he looks. His outfits have to match and the sock colors have to match his whole outfit. He checks himself out in the mirror every day before leaving his room and does movements...weird ones like a mixture of poses that resemble Eminem and Justin Beiber. I ask him what he is doing and he says " I am seeing how my outfit looks when I am walking or standing, the shirt has to flow just the right way".
He wants to wear his sports glasses all the time. He says his regular glasses make him look nerdy and his sports glasses make him look tougher "like I am kid you want to hang out with because I look cool, because in reality I am".
He writes in his journal....alone with the door closed. He used to love writing stories and poems in the kitchen but now he is writing alone in his room and asks to be left alone with his thoughts which we respect. Later I ask him if he wants to talk about what he is writing about and he discusses with me things that I often think about but not when I was his age. He tells me about friends at school who bully others who look different. He says he yelled at one of his friends who was doing the bullying but deep inside is a nice guy. He said "why do you hang around those guys and act like them. Be your own person even if they don't like it but just be yourself". He also told me about how he was trying out for soccer and said to his friend "C" that he was nervous and "C" said to him "don't be scared Lucas you can do it". He added that "C" was just as nervous but brought up Lucas spirits just to help him. Lucas said that "C" was a great friend because he put his feelings and fears aside to help him. Lucas also added that he writes in his journal about things he wants to do in the future to help people and to help animals. He added that we need a better place to live in, where people treat each other with respect and are loyal. This country is selfish mommy and no one benefits from that. When his brother gets in trouble at school for doing things that are not right Lucas advises him. "Noah don't go with the crowd, if someone does something bad don't repeat their behavior then everyone will think you are just as bad. You can be friends with everyone Noah just as long as you are your own person". He worries about his teenage years because he says teenagers are meaner and do drugs. I always say drugs make you be someone you are not. To which he replies " I will never do drugs then". Hoping he keeps his promise. I secretly sneak into his journal to make sure all that he talks about is true and it is. I am proud.
He asked for me not to call him "baby". "When I get off the bus mommy don't say "hi baby". I asked what he wanted me to say "just say hi normal but no baby". The next day he got off the bus and I said "hey what's up Lucas" and kind of made a pose like one of the ones he does in the mirror every morning. He shook his head and walked away. I asked what was wrong "you are trying to act cool, just act yourself mommy". I didn't know if to be proud that he said be myself or insulted that I actually wasn't cool. The next day I said "hi Lucas, how was you day". He smiled, winked at me and said "good mommy, it was a good day". I passed although uncool...I passed.
Lastly, he asked me if he can call me "mom"........I instantly cried.....I couldn't help it (it didn't help that aunt flow was in town and was overstaying her welcome) I asked "why, what's wrong with mommy ". He said "mommy was when I was a baby but now I am a big boy who's going to be two digits....it's time mommy...it's time for me to call you mom". I wiped my tears and asked for a hug, for a big tight tight long hug and said "ok". He said "mom, don't worry I still love you and think you are the best, you did nothing wrong, I'm just growing up....that's life". So simple.
I had a few more glasses of wine that night....that is life, he is right. When Noah and Milah ask to call me "mom" I will be more prepared and though it will hurt too it will never compared to my first heartbreak. I will need to buy a vineyard by then. 
