Date Night.

Oh date night .......how much I have missed you. Fabio and I are very protective of our children, we don't feel comfortable leaving our kids to anyone except family. We depend on our parents and siblings for that. All of Fabios family live far away, my younger sister lives far away, my older sister has a family of her own and my parents are our babysitters when we work so we hate to take their weekends too. So we are left without babysitters most of the time. It sucks and I completely miss having that alone time out in the town with my husband.

Before the kids we use to go out once a week for dinner. Out in the town and would go to the movies. We loved it. We sampled every restaurant near us and saw every movie out in theaters at the time. We sadly can't do that now and we miss it.

Luckily for us our old babysitter took two weeks off from her busy life as Dr. Ponton. Wohooooo Dr. Ponton to the rescue. Her only request was that we put the younger one to bed before we left and we did as she said and we were off. She only had to put one child to bed and the rest of the night was hers and she was sleeping over so Fabio and I could stay out as long as we wanted to. Awesome!!!!! We were off. We had dinner at the house so on our way to the movies we went and had hot chocolate and pastries. We talked and laughed. He opened the car door for me and we held hands all night. It was like old times. That old feeling😄 of being in love and it only being about each other. It may sound corny but I loved it all. Then we were off to see "turning 40". I am 36 and Fabio is 38 so we are not there yet but close to it. The movie was so great. It touches on everything that a marriage goes through. We laughed so hard and saw ourselves in the couples relationship at times. We sat next to these three young guys (wondered why they chose this movie). They were laughing too. The whole theater was laughing.

On one scene the couple were going away for the weekend and talked about their kids, how they were stressed with them and how the kids drove them crazy and seconds later they talked about how much they missed them already and wanted to see them again. I can relate. I miss my boys when I am away but when I am with them at times I want to be Away. Like during the day when they are driving me crazy and I yell at them. When they are asleep and I go check in on them I feel so guilty. I kiss them and promised not to yell and tell them how much I love them They look like tiny Angels.

On another scene, they talk about how they feel like they fight over the stupidest things because they are tired or aggravated. Fab and I often talk about how we have argued about silly things just because we were sleep deprived. Due to having our boys and wanting to set a good example we sometimes do the silent arguing. Where we are mad at each other , talk to each other only about the kids or house stuff but will not directly talk to each other. It's a cold conversation that leads to silence. We realized last night that may not be good for the boys either. They still see that and understand.

The movie hit home and it also made us realize that it's normal and that the most important part is that we love each other and want to be in this marriage. We are the foundation of our family. That without us our boys would not have a family so we have to and need to be happy with each other and in result they will be happy too.

At the end of the movie, I said to Fab "lets do something crazy". What he asked, he looked scared. We went to the McDonald drive thru and only got the french fries, soda and milkshake. Then we drove to Wendy's drive thru and got the spicy chicken sandwich. The lady at the Wendy's drive thru was laughing at us as we were paying for our sandwiches while stuffing French fries in our mouths. Sadly, we were not drunk. We were just high on love and on each other. Of course, the next morning we were suffering from heart burn but it was worth it.

Desperately Seeking for Answers

When my husband and I bought our home we made sure it was a good neighborhood, a good school district and I made sure to check that there were no child molesters near our home. We were protecting our children before they were even born. That's what all parents do. They try their best to provide a safe and loving home for their children. Every generation tries to do better than the one before. You have no idea how much you will love your new bundle of joy until you hold them for the very first time. You will give them the world and promise to protect them always. So what do you do when your child is taken away so suddenly and so violently. What could you have done differently? Did you fail them in any way? It's thoughts like this that I am sure run through the parents of those 20 innocent lives we lost in Newtown, CT.

I am desperately seeking for answers........How do we protect our children? What do parents need to do, what does society need to do, what do I need to do? I am scared for my children, scared of sending them into a world I no longer feel safe in. I recently read somewhere that we should not be worrying about what kind of world we are leaving behind for our children but what kind of children we are raising and leaving to our world. I never thought of that. Its all so true and frightening. Should I never introduce video games to my Children? Should i be an advocate for the banning of guns.....will that keep my children safe? Should I quit my job and home school?

How do I keep these fears from my children? Can I ever put them in the bus without fear that I may never see them again? I am desperately seeking for answers......how do I make sure that my sons grow up to be good boys, good contributors to society, polite, honest, hard working? How do I make sure they don't hurt anyone or hurt themselves. I am Desperately seeking for answers......until I find them I have to do something I haven't done in a long time, I have to "PRAY".

101 questions

I could not wait until Lucas started talking.  I thought I would be one of those moms that would embraced all of the questions asked by their growing child.  I told myself I would never lie to my child, if I didn't know the answer I would find out and tell them the thruth.  I would never manipulate my child or use anything to persuade him to do what I wanted him to do.  We would talk it out and our lines of communications would always be opened.  OK, I was naive and completely did not know what I was talking about.  With Lucas, I have lied, manipulated, used any tricks that I can use and I honestly can say they were necessary.  Now, with Noah I am afraid I will be doing the same thing. 

Lucas is constantly asking questions and sometimes I dont know the answer or just too tired to explain it all.  Sad but true. 

Lucas questions,

Lucas: why is Jesus always in a cross?  who put him there? how can he help people if he is in a cross? how can Jesus hear me if he is Heaven, that is far, how can he hear me?
Mommy: Let's wait one more year and then you will be going to Jesus school so there you can ask all these questions to them.  OK. ;)

Lucas: why do you pee sitting down?  you are doing it wrong, let me show you.....
Mommy: no it's OK, girls pee this way.
Lucas: why don't you have a pee pee mommy?
Mommy: go ask your father.

Lucas: what kind of people live in Jupiter?
mommy: no one lives in Jupiter?
Lucas: why?
mommy: Because its a different planet and I don't think anyone has ever been there?
Lucas: Why mommy?  how can we know if anyone lives there then?
Mommy: Ask your Father.

Lucas:  mommy why do I have to eat my broccoli?
Mommy: because you won't grow if you don't?
Lucas: what proof do you have?
mommy: look at daddy, he didn't eat his broccoli and he didn't grow, uncle Kris ate all his broccoli and look how tall he is.
Lucas:  I think I need to eat all my broccoli!

Noah's questions:
Why?
But why?
why why why why why.........why?

If you are the mother that doesn't do this, than I am impressed and more power to you.  I hope one day the boys forgive me. 

How did this happen?

I turned 36 years old today.  I don't know how it happened so fast. How has this happened?  I feel like I blinked and here I am close to the big "40".  When I was 21, I thought 36 was way old and now I am here "old".  At times I don't feel old.  When I am with my girlfriends from college I feel 21 again.  When I am at work and meet young ones I feel 36 years old.  When I was with the boys after a long days work I feel older and way tired.  Lucas asked me today how old I was.  I said "guess".  He said "you are seventeen mommy".  I said "go higher".  He couldn't guess so I gave up on the guessing game  and I told him my age and his reaction was "mommy you are really old but you look so tiny".  He is too cute.

I always wanted to be married with at least 2 kids by this age and a career set, Thank God this has all happened.  I hope that the rest of my years are just as good or better.  A friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said "sleep".  I got it, got to take a 1 hour nap and it felt amazing.  I needed it, Fabio wanted to go out to dinner with the boys for my birthday.  I love going out to dinner but with a toddler and a preschooler its exhausting.   It was fun but I was glad when the check came so that we may return home without an embarrassing moment in hand, maybe there were a few but maybe I just didn't care,  hey it was my birthday.  Noah was dancing with the background music, actually got up on his seat and rock to the tunes.  Lucas kept asking why was there music with no one singing and why would there be music at a restaurant without anyone dancing.  The waitress came with a cake and sang "happy birthday" and I felt old.  Lucas blew out my candle before I made a wish.  :(  I couldn't even have an alcoholic beverage because I drove separately there and met Fabio at the restaurant.  When we got home I still couldn't have a drink, Fabio had to put Noah to bed, I had to finish homework with Lucas, put Lucas to bed, finish work and set up my work for tomorrow, lay out the kids clothes for tomorrow, lay out my clothes for tomorrow, take a shower, prepare lunch for Lucas tomorrow.  A mothers job doesn't stop just because it's your birthday, especially on a weekday.  Thank God for that nap. 

Thank God for Boy Bands

So I have always love boy bands.  Always!!!!  Even now, hearing them makes me feel younger and "with the times".  I have concerts in my work car (don't tell).  I am serious! I sing so loud and really do put on great performances.  I really really love singing and dancing.  The love for singing and dancing has been passed down to my boys.  Like I have said in other posts, we try to have singing and dancing time in our house as often as we can.  In the last few weeks, the singing and dancing happens EVER DAY AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.  For this working mom, the singing and dancing has saved my life, in particular I owe it the boy band called "THE WANTED".  The boys are obsessed with this group, they know the songs by heart (Noah at least knows how to go with the beat and makes sure to sing away even though we don't quite understand the lyrics coming from his jiberish language).  They sing it at home, in the car, in the shower, in their bed, at dinner........everywhere.  Everyday when I get home from work and my dad drops off the boys, they run for bath time and then run out all washed up and clean.....and then it's "SHOWTIME AT THE APOLLO".  I crank up "THE WANTED CD" IN PARTICULAR "I AM GLAD YOU CAME" AND THEY SING AWAY.  This goes on for the whole CD, 10 songs.  I am able to do dinner, get myself undressed for work and I even join my two little "IDOLS" for a tune or two.  Thank you boy bands for making this mom find a few hours to make food for my family.  Keep the hits on coming. 

Here is a little sneak peak at their performance, this time they could not wait till bath time was over.  Enjoy! 

I just want to feed myself.

Oh those were the days when I only had to feed myself I ate as slow or fast as I wanted. I savored every taste and enjoyed every bit of my meal. I wasn't really a "food" person before I met Fabio, actually didn't enjoy it, I had my issues. But when I met Fabio it completely changed. He ate with such pleasure, he devoured his food entirely, didn't leave anything behind. He really seemed to enjoy every bit of his meal, its as if with every bite he was dancing and smiling. I began enjoying it myself too, we went to every restaurant in the area possible, we tasted many different meals, I tried new things due to Fabio. It was really a wonderful way of living, I loved and looked at food in a new light. I couldn't wait to have our children and do the eating together as a family thing, it will be wonderful with each one of us sharing our "lows" and highs" of the day, laughing and most of all enjoying our food. Little that I realize that I actually had to do the cooking myself.  I don't know who I thought would be doing the cooking.  I really try to cook but I am not good at it.  I make your basics.  My Mother, Father and Mother-in-law are wonderful cooks and I really try to cook like them but Fabio can tell you it's a work in progress.  When I was pregnant with Lucas and Noah, I loved loved loved food, I could no stop eating.  Thankfully, I only gained 35 pounds with each pregnancy but I sure felt like I was heavier.  I don't know what it was but I loved food.  After Lucas was born, I could not wait until Lucas sat with us at the dinner table.....that would be great I thought.  I was so wrong.  As a baby Lucas ate very well but right after his first birthday he stopped eating.  Later came, eating but limited, after that it was eating but at slow slow slow pace.  Now, its "Lucas please eat.....Lucas please eat.....Please Lucas just eat......EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We even started the "timer", when the bell goes off, if he has not eaten all of his food then he has to go straight to bed for the rest of the night. We meant business, there was times that he did not eat and we sent him right to bed.  Of course, he cried the whole way there.  That ended, after Fabio and I got stressed, we could not enjoy our food knowing that when he was not finishing, we would have to be the bad guys and end up sending him to bed.  We have no plans anymore.  We gave up for now and just plead with him to eat faster.  Argh!

Our Noah is different, we are not fast enough to feed him.  We feed him and as soon as the spoon goes out he screams he wants more.  Now that he feeds himself (certain foods) he uses the fork and when that does not work he grabs his food in fists and shoves it his mouth.  He shoves back anything that falls out.  He eats constantly and does not take a break.  He is a fast eater and I cannot enjoy my dinner because I feel like I am in a contest. 

I am in a no win situation.  Sometimes, I just sit with my boys and wait for them to finish eating and then eat alone where I can actually enjoy my food. 

Oh, how I miss those days of dining with my Fabsters.  One day, I know we will eat as a family.  For now, I will just have suck it up. 

Shoe Shopping with a side of tantrums

I needed shoes for my friend Carrie wedding. I had gone to a few stores but I couldn't find the right ones that would fit my bridesmaids dress. Before my boys, I had the luxury of going to as many stores & being picky. I don't have that luxury anymore. Fabio was busy doing lawn work. We usually take one child each so we can get things done quicker but this time I needed both boys to buy them shoes as well. Something I was not looking forward to.  A wise woman told me "enjoy every moment with your children, even the ones that you think will make you cringe..... because time goes by so quickly and before you know it they are all grown up and you can look back and laugh."  I have been trying to do that.  Really trying to experience them in every way and one day I will look back and laugh.  Easier say than done.  We wave goodbye to daddy and we are off.  I made it sound like we were going to an adventure.  A shoe adventure, mommy needed a pair and so did Lucas and Noah.  Lucas loved it all, Noah was just happy to be in the car.  As I am looking for parking in the DSW parking lot, I explained in detail to Lucas how we have to get silver pretty shoes for mommy for Carries wedding.  Lucas seemed to understand and be ready for the challenge.  I loved it.  We buckle Noah in his stroller and Lucas offers to take over the stroller duties so I can find my pretty shoes.  How awesome, he is being so helpful.  Of course he bumped into people and knocked over a few boxes of shoes, but no one there understood that we were on a mission.  I had two children in tow and I needed to get those shoes no matter what the outcome.  I mean, when will I see these people again and I will make sure to never come back to this store again if things got out of hand.  We jet through rows of silver shoes and pick up three in my size that seem to fit me.  Lucas shouts "mommy why don't u get pretty shoes with theses heels like all the pretty Mommy's wear".  What mommies?  Mommies wear stilettos...not this mommy.....my feet will suffer if I did that to them not to mention my knees after I collapsed with them on.  "no Lucas...mommy likes a smaller heel".  How helpful my Lucas was being?  I loved it.  Women passed by me and commented on my well behaved son pushing the stroller and my well behaved toddler singing away in his stroller.  Perfect angels.  As I stopped at one point to try on those three pairs and I thought "how lucky am I to have these well behaved kids",  this is a piece of cake.  I finally got shoes and I loved them.  We speed walked to the counter (after knocking out a few rows of shoes...but hey it will be worse for them if my kids began having a trantrum, fair trade of I thought).  As we are about to pay....Lucas says "I got this mommy....I am going to pay for those shoes....it's easy"....then he goes and grabs a row of gift cards sitting by the cashier "here you go mommy, there is money in here and you can pay for those shoes".  I laughed and said thank you and every one near heard and laughed too, how cute was this little boy.  A woman said to me "you have got great boys there".  Hoorrayy.....my boys are fantastic.  Not a problem at all, they were perfect.  I told them in the car how great boys they were and now it was their turn, two shoes each for being such good boys.  I was so excited......I was going to Stride Rite, how bad can they be there.....:(.    So we went on to Stride Rite and as soon as we walked in "tantrum central".  There was a (maybe 7 years old) big girl screaming that she wanted princess shoes and her little brother was running around saying he did not want shoes at all.  I walked in and looked at my two good boys and kind of grinned a little to myself....I had perfect kids.  I think sometimes moms are hard on each other.  They look at other moms when their kids are out of control and think,we could  have done things differently, our kids would not have gotten out of hand or maybe we just dont admit that they get THAT out of hand.  If you are not one of those moms bless your heart I unfortunately was one of those moms at that precise moment.  I thought, she just has to be stern and not give in to her little princess and be stern to her little boy that he has to wear shoes.  Lucas at this point found these cool "iron man sneackers".  I loved them they were perfect.  They came and measure him and Lucas was going to get the iron man sneakers with a pair of summer sandals.  I was excited one down one to go.  Noah said "no no" when he had to get measured.  He said "cold mommy".  I smiled and smiled as people started looking at me.  I finally shoved the foot on the metal thing and straightened his body and he knew I meant business.  He stood still and we got the measurement.  The shoes came out and he was adimant that he did not want to wear them, did not want to even go near them.  He wanted the hulk sneaker that was meant for big boys and he threw himself on the floor to make himself be heard.  At this point, a woman came in with her perfect little princess and I looked around and saw that the bad little princess and that bad little boy where gone.  We were the only ones left at the store and I had this horrible toddler throwing himself all over the floor, rolling all over.  OMG...how did ths happen. Because we were taking so long convincing Noah to put on his shoes (not to mention the bad princess mommy had taken so long to decide on shoes) Lucas had time to have his tantrum.  He comes over and says he found (found.....found....that is how much time we had that he managed to find something in the store of shoes that were not shoes) super hero bracelets.  He begged me to have them.  I told him he had to choose bracelets or sneakers.  He chose bracelets.  Seriously!!!  I told him he had to take his sneakers off and he ran crying underneath the counter.  Where was the book to deal with this....where was supernanny...I wanted to run underneath the counter too but then who would take care of Noah.  I felt the stares and I heard the remarks.  The lady at the store understood my pain and offered Lucas a superhero poster from the avengers.  He came out giving me a chance to remove those sneakers.  I paid, grab the bags and Noah and escorted my 5 year old crying all the way to the car.  Thank god it was close.  He cried all the way home.  I wanted to cry too but someone had to drive us home.  Later that night, we talked about how silly it was that he picked the bracelets.  Lucas answer "don't worry mommy, I will be good all next week so you can take me to buy the sneakers on Saturday".  I said, "next time daddy will be going."

Thank God for ...............Zumba!!!

I have never been a good dancer. My cousin who tried to teach me once as a young teen told me, "Claudia, a transvestite dances better than you" (he was probably right).  I am "Latina" so you are probably saying I should probably be able to dance but.............I can't. Yeah, I can dance a little and go with the beat but I can't dance the way I should be able to and the way I would like to. As a young teen, dancing in a Latin family was as essential as breathing. Coming from a large family, there was always a birthday, anniversary, baby shower, that we went to, at least twice a month. At every function dancing was surely to be the center of the event. I would cringe at the thought of going to the parties because I knew one of my uncles would take me out to dance and I would most surely step on their feet and they would once again be reminded on what a talented dancer I was.  I was a "Project" to all my uncles.  Who would be able to teach me to dance Salsa, Merengue, Bachata or move at all?  No one was successful.  I had another cousin who told me I was a white girl trapped in a Spanish girls body (no offense but I think even "white girls" can move better than I can, my Caucasian friends move really well).  My Friend Leslie and Aimee can move their hips like they were Shakira.  When I got to College, you wouldn't believe how comfortable I got with dancing.  I guess it must have been the alcohol that let me relax and be free to move as I pleased.  I loved it, I felt like I had rhythm and those "white girls" they thought I could DANCE....the Spanish girls and Spanish boys and white girls who had rhythm...............well, they saw that I still couldn't.  So I had found the freedom of dancing to my hearts content with the help of "Labatt Blue" and shots of "Lemon Drops".  I still did not dare dance at those family functions but I just laughed to myself at those PARTIES because I had a secret.....I knew that back in Buffalo....I COULD DANCE.  That dancing continued after college which is how I met my Fabio, he thought I dance fine until he met my family and realized that I couldn't.  My sisters were always such good dancers and moved so freely......I did not get the gene.  I danced and danced and danced until I became a mother.  Yeah, I dance at a wedding here or there and with my kids (but they don't seem to mind mommy can't bust the move) but I have not danced at a Club or a Bar in a long time.  I have tried......believe me...I really have....but I can't seem to get that spark.  UNTIL ZUMBA. Oh boy, Zumba has opened a part of me that I thought was gone.  When I first started the class, I felt a little intimidated and nervous but now after going so many times I LOVE IT.  I feel free again to dance the way I used to (or feel like it).  I went with a friend tonight who I use to dance with back in my college years and she actually said "Claudia, you are not moving the way you use to, what happened to your rhythm".  She didn't see it during class?  I responded "It's there, its just exhausted from work and being a mother but it's there."  She looked at me puzzled.  Hey, I know I will never be  JLO's or Madonna's backup dancer but right now I am just loving that fact that I can move.  Zumba takes me away from everything.  I forget I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, I forget work  and most of all I forget I have RA.  I am young single Claudia, the one from college who danced and loved it.  I am happy with that for now. 

Roller Coaster

Being a mother is like being on a roller coaster. I was talking to a friend of mine today and she made me realize something. She is a co-worker of mine, lets call her "Jennifer". She and I were talking on how are weekend had gone. She is back to work again today and I am on vacation for a week for "Spring Break". It's not your typical "Spring Break", not a vacation at all, I am off but home with my two lovely boys. They are full of energy and full of a constant need for "mommy". "Mommy" is said every 5 to 10 minutes......in need of juice, food, entertainment and a full blown "Mommy, I am bored". Jennifer and I were discussing on how sometimes being a mom feels like you are going through an emotional roller coaster of feelings that you never experienced. Whether you are a stay at home or not, your feelings are all over the place. We were saying that when we are working we are wishing to be with our kids and missing them but when we are at home they are driving us crazy and we are so in need of a "take me away", feeling. It's like we are experiencing some form of Bipolar. I often think could I be having "late.....late.....late...post-par tum......or maybe pregnant again......or maybe developing symptoms of an anxiety attack." My friend "goggles" her symptoms and so I had to do it too, the things you find are so scary. We can't be the only moms who are feeling this way and I don't think we are. I think your marriage goes through a roller coaster too. One minute your are a happy couple with dreams of having children and they are just so well behaved and you are all smiling with glee. I think having children puts so much strain on a marriage. I don't think Fabio and I have had so many disagreements before having children. I mean we dated for 5 years and talked about everything but just somehow what to do about tantrums never quite came up. Nothing gets you in a worse mood than having your 5 and 2 year old throw a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant. Fabio always says, "It is amazing how your kids can set your mood for the rest of the day". He is so right, seeing your children smiling and laughing makes anything seem possible and tolerable. But throw a kid who is having a tantrum at 7am and then wakes your other kid up crying, you will know that you will not have such a great day. Sometimes, we do see traces of who we were before the kids. We will be in a crowded room and will look at each other and smile and its like "oh there you are". There are times that I see Fabio laughing at a party (adult parties) and I see how handsome he really is and I remember how much I love him. I see him looking at me sometimes and I am convinced he is thinking the same thing. I overheard Fabio this past weekend after all the Easter festivities died down talking to his dad, he said "I am so tired, when will this end Dad, my back hurts, the kids are so much work". His dad replied "it all goes by so fast Fabio, it really does and before you know it, your babies are making a life of their own and you will have all the time in the world without them". Sad but true. When I had Noah, the stress of working full time, having a baby and a 3 year old was too much to bear. Throw in having full blown Rheumatoid Arthritis and the blues, did not make me wife of the year. Fabio, said when he would pull in the driveway, he would cringe on the idea of how it would be when he walked through the door. Would I be happy Claudia, mean Claudia or emotional Claudia. I felt bad that he went through that. One day a box was delivered to him at the house. When he got home he opened it and inside was a picture frame with a nice quote "it all began when two people fell in love". He hung it right in the foyer, he said he would see it when he will open the front door every evening and be reminded why things were the way they were. We fell in love and created this family, chaotic and a mess during this time but nonetheless it came from love. Every time I walk in the door, pissed of after a work day and exhausted of the thought of what lies ahead, I see the sign and I am reminded all over again of why things are the way they are. We fell in love, two beautiful boys came from it and we are still in love.

My Super Happy, dancing, always hungry baby.

My Noah is the happiest 2 year old in the world. He has to be, he is lucky to be alive and he knows it. He doesn't take anything for granted. My pregnancy with Noah was a rough one. He and I survived THE SWINE FLU where at the time, pregnant women and their unborn child were dying. I even got a a priest sent to my room for my last confession and blessings. I was a goner. I had my sister, Aura crying by my bedside when I told her there were people by me touching my arm and their hands were cold. I was hallucinating due to fever being over 103.5. My poor Aura thought that it was angels coming to get me (I hope when they do come for me, their hands will be warm and that their cold hands is not an indication of me going to hell). I was in and out of conciousness and one time I woke up with my face wet and Fabio's face was on top of mine. He was crying, poor guy, he thought he would be a widow raising a child or possible two on his own. The doctors kept telling me (when I was awake) that if I started getting contractions, they would have to take Noah out and he would not survive, I was only 5 months. My room was quarantined. Only Fabio, Aura and the doctors and nurses were allowed in and they had to wear masks and were covered from head to toe. It was awful but most of all it was scary. Odds were against us but Noah held on. He fought like hell and he made it. I knew I had a fighter in my hands. The thing that was even scarier was that if I died, my Noah would probably die with me and I would not get to see Lucas again. He was not allowed to come to the hospital due to my condition and he only being 3 years old at the time. I had to fight to live for all three of my men. We survived. Two weeks before my due date, I fell and broke my tail bone. Noah survived that too. I kept working until about two days before my due date when I went into labor. My tail bone had healed but broke again due to my pushing during labor. The Epidural did not work after two attempts were made. I had Noah naturally and painfully. It was awful, I was choking Fabio at one point and the nurses had to physically removed me from him. He survived too. I cleared out the maternity ward with my screams (the next day, the nurses were talking about that loud woman screaming in the maternity ward, I just pretended to be sleeping). What I really wanted to do is smacked them and say "you try having a baby without any drugs and a broken tail bone". I screamed so loud that I think the whole town of Smithtown heard me. I was pleading for them to just cut him out, it was so painful that I wanted to just be knocked out and let them do the rest. I did not experience this with Lucas, sure it was painful and hard to push him out but it was doable and tolerable enough that I decided to once again get pregnant again and do it all over. I had always heard that the second baby comes out easily but not Noah, it was like he wanted to stay in, or I just didn't want to let him go. I think he probably wanted to come out since being inside me had not been so easy. This is why he is thankfull to be alive and loves life. Noah is always smiling, politely says hi to everyone, even to the little worm in the garden. He finds rhythm in everything, from the music coming from the television to the ring of my cell phone, he stops whatever he is doing and starts dancing. Due to him, we now have at least half an hour of dancing at our house. We shut the television off, turn off the phones and crank up the music and we dance, all four of us, bust the move with our dancing king. He makes us love life and be happy that we are in it. The world is an open buffet for Noah, he eats everything at every second of the day. I can't go shopping with him because he wants to eat everything right then and there. Lucas was never a good eater but Noah is making up for it. We are so use to fighting with Lucas to eat that with Noah we are not fast enough in providing food for him. I feed him before going out anywhere but still take about 5 to 6 snacks for him just in case, he goes through all of them and wants more (even when we are out only for an hour). If we need to bribe him with anything such as going to the doctor, an apple or grapes will do the trick. Noah loves food an in particular fruit, it isn't odd for him to have an apple, grapes, blueberries, at least 4 bananas and at least two oranges a day. Yes, the boy loves fruit and could live on only fruit. Noah, believes in sharing. If we go anywhere, and someone is eating anything and he has nothing in his mouth, he will fight to get to that food near him and take it nicely after saying hello of course. Noah loves food so much that he has no problem in expressing how he feels when he is eating, he humms while is eating and dancing if the tastes is that good. He is so loud at restaurants that everyone turns around to see us, we are use to it by now, thank goodness he is cute. Noah loves to read as well, he will sit in the rocking chair with books and read them, of course he can't read but he does go through each page, turns the page and makes up his own story with the characters in the books. He does this for at least 45 minutes. No book is uninteresting to him. As you can see, my Noah is really a happy boy. When ever I am feeling tired or sad or down, this little sunshine picks me right up with those rays of smile. He was meant to be here and he knows it.

My Bladder and Me.

Seriously, what is up with my bladder? I don't know if it is the fact that I am getting older or the fact that I have given birth to two kids but this bladder is not what it use to be ( My bladder is probably saying look who's talking). I remember my bladder being a power house. I was able to enjoy myself at any place or anytime, able to hold it in for hours and hours. I didn't have to break that seal. I could drink as much water (or alcohol depending on the event) and I didn't have to break that seal. I was proud of my bladder would show it off at times but that has changed. I can't go on an hour without having to go. I can drink a glass of water and 30 min later I am an open faucet, a river maybe and 30 min after that.... I will go again. I mean I sometimes go so much that I often wonder where it's coming from when I only have had a glass of water (or wine). I can just look at water, or see a river or picture of an ocean and suddenly nature calls. And I am in a race to find a rest room. I tell my bladder "work with me". I have no time to stop every hour to Pee, I am nonstop all day that sometimes I avoid drinking water because I know I will be going nonstop. When I am at work in the field, there is no time for bathroom breaks and sometimes the places I go to are not that nice to even want to use the rest room. And when I am at home, between the kids, house work, cooking and so on, bathroom breaks are optional. That is where the problem has come in. I CANNOT HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER. I mean between us girls even a sneeze or an out of control laugh is set to make her release a bit. What's next, "DEPENDS" for this 35 year old. Hmmmm.....might be a good idea, solves the problem I think. My husband calls me "pipi loco", which in spanish mean "pee pee crazy" (he stole it from my dad who loves to tease the woman in my family about us always having to go) Obgyn visits, no problem. I can supply them with enough urine for the year. Sometimes, I think I may be pregnant because that is when I would go that often but no I am not pregnant. My bladder still thinks we are pregnant....it didn't get the memo that its business as usual. I have also noticed my friends having the same issue. In the past, the trips to the ladies room where all the girls would go to the bathroom together is no longer about supporting each other and hanging out more. Now, all the ladies actually have to use the restroom. It seems from having these babies my body along with my bladder have gone crazy. Let's not get started on the upper part of my body, my "friends" up North are not what they use to be either. They were never these "pamela anderson" beauties but they did have support. Although after having my first, they were perfect, just the right size and perfectly firm. My mother-in-law noticed my beauties after getting home from the hospital "wow, where did those come from" she said. Fabio.....lets just say he was pleased. But No, that is gone after breastfeeding two kids. It was such a tease, like "this is what you will never have". They had their 20 min of fame. Now, They are more like balloons that have lost their helium air. Sucked dry.......literally..... poor girls. What can I say it's either my age or the two boys I have had but in reality it's the new me and Fabio still seems to dig me. I don't think my bladder will ever be like it use t o be but neither will I.

No sick days

Oh, I often remember how it felt when I was single and had to deal with getting over a cold. I just laid in my bed and waited to feel better. Got the needed rest to get back out onto the world and be Me again. When I got married, that changed but it was better, I had my Fab taking care of me. When I had Lucas it was a little harder but it just meant Fab would take care of Lucas while mommy rested. Now with Noah, things have drastically changed, it's every man for himself. With two children, it's a parent per child (can't believe I'm thinking of adding a third). It's no longer "mommy needs rests", it's mommy can't be sick. Like today, I woke up feeling a horrible sinus headache and was coughing while losing my voice. I felt awful. Fab let me sleep but I heard my Noah coughing up as well. Lucas runs in and jumps on my bed and says "mommy wake up Noah needs you". I wanted to say "isn't daddy there, daddy will have to do for today". All I said was "I am sorry baby mommy is feeling sicky, daddy will take care of it. Then I heard Fab say to Lucas to go with him and let me rest. Oh how I love that man. A few hours later I woke up and realized I needed a warm cup of tea for my throat. We were suppose to go see my inlaws but Noah and I looked And felt awful. As soon as Fab saw me up he asked "u feeling good, I have some things I have to do, can u handle them". I heard the anxiety and desperation in his voice. Sadly, I have heard it before in my own voice. I wanted to say "no way buddy don't you see that I am sick!" Damn throat, I should really consider making a small kitchen in my bedroom for days like this. God, how I hated this man. So I bit the bullet, I stayed and made my own tea (in the past Fab would have made my tea) I laid on the couch and watched them. Two seconds later the boys realized I was back and it began. " mommy juice,......mommy I did a poppy can u wipe my booty.,.......mommy Noah's booty stinks you have to change his diaper........mommy we want a snack.......mommy! Mommmy!!!!!!! Even Puffball (my demanding cat) was meowing away. No more resting for mommy. No sick days for mommy. THANK GOD, they go to school tomorrow....oh that reminds me, back to work for ME.

Lucas, my smart prince charming

I know everyone says their kid is special, amazing, smart, one of a kind................and so on.  But our Lucas is SPECTACULAR.  I know he is mine and I am bias, BUT HE IS SPECTACULAR.  From the moment he was born, he was observing everything and rationalizing it all.  For a 5 year old he knows and asks questions that I am shocked to hear.  To some that have older kids, they might say their kids were the same way, but this is my first, I never had any before him so to me he is one of a kind.  For example, one day at school, his teacher said to me that he was not listening.  In the car drive home, I asked my Lucas "the teacher said you weren't listening, why baby?"  His response, "mommy. it just like the song says "baby I was born this way".  I was schocked. 

Another example is at school, a maintenance guy had come in to fix something, he was a big tall man, dark skin and had a beard.  One of the girls in his class said "teacher, he is scary".  Lucas said "he is not scary, he is just Spanish.".  You see Lucas is half Latin and half Italian (with some French).  In his mind the world contains two nationalities, Spanish and Italian, everyone is one or the other.  The Italians are light skin and all tan or dark skin are Spanish.  He went on to say "don't be scared, people are like a rainbow.  A rainbow is beautiful because of all the colors that it has just like people, they all come in different colors too, some are Spanish and some are Italians".  I heard the little girl looked confused but it seemed to calm her down.  Isn't he amazing, smart I tell you.

He has also discovered..................GIRLS, one in particular.  Let's just call her "Mia". Mia is in his class and is a really pretty girl.  She is quiet and a little shy and Lucas is in love.  He says that she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.  He says she runs like a rabbit, fast and he loves to watch her hop around.  One day, he came home with an assignment that he did not complete in class.  The teacher sent a note saying he did not listen and so did not finish his assignment.  His response was simple, "he could not finish it because he didn't understand it".  When Fabio asked "why didn't you raise your hand and ask the teacher to explain it again", Lucas said "because every time I raise my hand, Mia looks at me and I get shy".  He also says that "one day I will go on bended knee and declare my love to Mia".  Prince Charming has nothing on Lucas.  He seems to be in love with the sight of Mia.  I don't know if it's love at first sight but it is surely a crush. 

One day my grandmother was over and we put our wedding video for her to see it and Lucas sat and watched the whole thing.  At the end, he said "mommy you really loved daddy then............right mommy?  I don't think you love daddy anymore because you don't kiss him like that anymore".  He was right, there is no time to show daddy how much I love him.  Usually I am running around doing things that I don't have time to stop and kiss my Fabio and vice verse.  So since the, Fabio and I kiss (not passionately like at our wedding ) but in a way showing Lucas that we still love each other.  Maybe, that is why he is turning into prince charming.  Can never get it right I tell you.

We are Catholics and really really really try to go to church every Sunday but sometimes we can't make it.  I am slowly teaching Lucas about "Jesus".  At church one day, he asked me mommy "is Jesus a superhero".  I said "he kind of is, he went through a lot for us and if we believe in him,  and pray, he can make things happen".  Lucas said "but does he have super powers, like can he fly, can he see through walls?"  I said "no he doesn't but he has other kind of powers".  I couldn't come up with other things to say while trying to be quiet at church, so I said " I don't know baby, let's talk about this later".  He gave me a look and said "mommy you don't know a lot, you better pray to Jesus for wisdom".  So I prayed but I got nothing.

Yelling............Patience.

I never use to yell and I had sooooooo much patience.  I think I could have been a nun with all the patience I had.  I could probably have gone through the convent training that they do in Italy where there is no talking and live in a quiet state of life ( I could probably use this now).  I could have done all of those things.  But that is the past, that was the old me and then the new me arose after becoming a mother. 

I mean I yelled at concerts, yelled at sorority functions in college (after a few drinks), my voice may have gone at a higher pitch (after a few drinks), I also have been known to sing really loudly in my car, I use to sing when I was a young. But this type of yelling, this voice that comes out of me out of frustration after repeating myself to my kids, negotitating until I am blue, bribing them, pleading with them, threatening them, this yelling I don't recognize.  The first time I caught myself yelling at a pitch that even scared me I wanted to cry.  Who was this woman?  Was I possessed?  Did I eat something bad?  Did I drink before?  NO!!!  It was me, a new layer that had unfolded.  IT WAS ME!!  I wanted to run away or admit myself somewhere and most of all I wanted to run to my Mother and Father and say "I am sorry".  I wanted to apologize to them for the times that I made those layers unfold for them.  I felt terrible and I grabbed Lucas and held him until he told me he couldn't breathe.  But after that first yell, came more and more.........and more.  I haven't stopped since.  I feel like I do it too often.  I once asked Lucas "what can I do to help you listen to me, what can I do for you to be a good boy".  His answer "stop yelling at me mommy".  I thought we had a breakthrough, this was the answer, super nanny and parent magazine was right.  So I made a pact, no yelling for a month but nothing changed.  He still had tantrums, he still didn't listen and he at times was not a good boy, he is a kid after all and that is normal.  Normal, I realized that my yelling is also normal for a mother.  I just needed "PATIENCE".

Like I said before patience was one of my talents.  I had patience for everything but that has disappeared.  Completely gone.  I don't have patience for my boys, for Fab's, for my whining cat, at the pediatricians office when I make an appointment but yet still have to wait with screaming children in tow.  I also loose my patience when going through the drive thru at "Dunkin Donuts" just to get a cup of coffee ( because the thought of getting out of the car, unbuckling, making sure they touch nothing in the store and then buckling was just too exhausting to do) and then the woman in front of me is ordering two dozens donuts and then is taking her time to pick which donuts and which colors she wants.  Why?!  I mean get the hell out of the car and stop holding up the line and get out of my way so I can get to my COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have no patience for that.  It's like when I go the store I am in a race with time.  I don't mess around, I unbuckle, put them in the cart, quickly remind Lucas about the rules of staying by the cart, speed walk like a mad woman in the store, go to the necessary aisles, skipping the candy, toy or anything that may look interesting to a kid, I get the necessary items and then speed walk to the smallest line and pray that they don't see anything appealing near the cashier.  I pray that they cashier guy knows what he is doing and that the person in front of me does not have any problems sliding the card through and paying for their items.  I pray for all of this because I know that at any second my patience will be MIA if something gets in my way of my mission to get out of the store without a tantrum, cry, fight and with all the necessary items I had to buy.  When that happens I AM A HAPPY WOMAN.  But like all you mothers know it rarely happens that way.  I have had times where as soon as we enter a tantrum happens, Lucas wants something, Noah wants to get out of the shopping cart, I leave everything in the cart and fight with them to buckle them into their car seats.  These are the times where i wish I had a designated driver so I could stop by the nearest bar and do a shot of tequila. 

I pray for this yelling to go away and for my patience to return. 

New layers of me that I never knew, how many more will unfold and when will the old me return.

Guilt

I never knew about "blogging" before this.  I thought it was something celebrities did to update you on their life's.  That is how old I am , so not with the times.  But, a friend of mine began a blog called "spiltmilk".  I love it, it was about her fantastic talent of crafts and doing her baby's nursery, she made everything fit so well together and practically made everything herself.  I also began looking to other blogs pertaining to "motherhood" and realize that I was not alone.  I was not the only one feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, juggling it all and full of "GUILT".  My sister "Aura" had said to me when you become a mother is when you will feel "guilt" like never before.  She was so right.  I feel guilty about everything.  I feel guilty as I am writing this and not spending time with them as they are playing with Fab in the family room.  When I leave for work, I feel guilty, when I am home I feel guilty because I am thinking of everything else to do around the house that I am not really there for them.  I feel guilty when I yell at them and when I am not with them.  Guilt,Guilt,Guilt.......................Guilt. 

My Fab's believe it or not feels it worse.  I can actually go out with my friends and enjoy myself without having the need to check in on them all the time.  Not my Fab's, he is always sending texts to see how the boys and I are doing.  Guilt again..................... that I don't do that. 

I remember "Aura", also saying that at her wedding she now realizes that all the married women looked around and probably laughed at her saying "poor girl, she is so happy, she has no idea how hard it is to keep a marriage alive".  She is right, along with Guilt about your kids, it's guilt about your marriage.  "was I really that mean to Fab's...?  Did I really need to snap at him?  Should I hang out with him instead of sleeping?". Guilt.   It goes both ways on that, it's hard not to snap and be mean to your significant other because they are there and you know that at the end they understand.   Fabio always says to me that everyone always thinks I am so sweet and never yell....if they only knew he says. He is right...I am not perfect but motherhood has brought out these layers in me that I never knew I had. 

Wise Aura, also said that at her baby shower women were probably saying "poor girl, she is so happy now but wait till the baby comes and she doesn't sleep and have a moment to herself, she won't be smiling that much".  She is right too.  I remember thinking how happy I was when Lucas was born.  Thinking all the other moms at the stores with their kids crying were just not "understanding" their kids or being "good moms".  I am that mom now with the screaming kids who I try to bribe with everything in that store and they are still screaming.  At first, I was humiliated.....what would people think.....they will think I am a bad mother who has no control of their children (breathe Claudia.....breathe).  Now, I have learned to let it go, if they are out of control I leave the store, there is no point in arguing with a toddler and a preschooler, its a losing battle.  But then the Guilt comes, I didn't get what I was suppose to at the store and "why can't I control them".  Guilt.

When I was home on maternity leave after having Noah, I was full of guilt.  It was so hard to be home with a baby, nursing, potty training a 3 year old and still trying to be the "welcome home honey" WIFE to Fab's.  I was never happy.  I could not wait to go back to work.  There are times, I wanted to run from Long Island to the office in New York City and scream "TAKE ME BACK....PLEASE TAKE ME BACK....GIVE ME ANY CASE......SEND ME OUT OF THE COUNTRY IF YOU NEED TO".  So instead I would breathe.  Guilt, why couldn't I handle this?  Why was I not happy with being home with my babies?  I did not have postpartum but I did have the blues.  I still feel guilty about those days but realize I am only human.  Glad, there are too young to remember that crazy mom they had for those two months.

I think I will always have "guilt".  I have learned that comes with Motherhood, I just hope that I don't scar them for life.  I think that "Guilt" is normal, afterall we made these babies, they are our whole world and you do want to be the best you can for them.

Breathe Claudia....Breathe

I always wanted to do what I am doing now.  Always....always.  I went to school for this and knew from the time that I was a child that this was the field I wanted.  Due to its sensitivity, I cannot say what I do but I love it.  I never thought of kids, marriage or anything of the sort, I was focused on my career but that all changed when I met "Fabio".  I met my "Fabs" as I like to call him on 1/30/99.  I had just graduated from college and was home in Brooklyn, NY, my friend Leslie, Aimee and my sister, Aura decided to take me out to celebrate at a bar in Long Island.  He asked me to dance and I giggle when he said his name (I know you giggled too) and he showed me his license to prove it and I stopped giggling.  We have been dancing ever since.  We dated for 4 years, were engaged for a year and now have been married for almost 8.  Now, we have two boys ages, 2 and 5 and I often wonder how we got here so quickly. 

I was raised in a very traditional hispanic upbringing.  My parents, sisters and I are very close, so close that I so wished for my mother and not Fabs to have been there when I gave birth to my two kids.  I would have said my daddy too but he would have probably fainted.  My parents raised their three girls to dream and dream...to be a career woman and never let anything stop you.  They taught us manners and responsibility.  We knew we had to go to college and make something of ourselves but they left one thing out MOTHERHOOD.  YES, THESE WONDERFUL PARENTS DID NOT SAY HOW HAAAAAARRRRD THIS WOULD BE.  I don't know if they purposely left that out so as to not deter us from having kids but they did.  I think they should have told us this "Girls not only do you have to have a successful career but you have to have at least two kids and be great mothers to them, but you also have to be an excellent cook, know how to do the laundry, keep the house cleaned, be a wonderful caring wife to your husband, be nice to others, smile pretty, be well groomed and most of all APPEAR to have everything under control.......... To that I just have to say to myself "Breathe Claudia....Breathe". 
Yes, they missed that and you know why because they had the last thing so perfectly hidden "APPEAR TO HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL".  YES, that's what I do....ask my friends who always ask "claudia, how do you do it all"......and now my secret is out.....I don't have everything under control.....I gave up on lists because I forget where I put them.....I gave up on alarms on my phones because I snooze them.....I am just a mess.  As you will see this Super Agent mom has nothing in order and maybe with your help and these blogs....I can get to at least smile pretty AND PRETEND I GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL. 

BREATHE CLAUDIA....BREATHE.