Graduation.

I haven’t written in awhile and I have surely missed it. I thought this was a great story to begin again. 

My first born, my first son, my first feeling of what my purpose was in life is graduating elementary school tomorrow . He will walk and get his diploma and his father and I will be filled with emotions one more time. The feeling of pride, joy and just pure pure love that only a parent can feel. 

I remember his first smile were his dimples made their first appearance. I remember Fabio scared of holding him when he was born. The fear of breaking this perfect little person that is a part of you. I swear when they put him in my arms the first time, he looked at me....really looked at me puzzled of who I was and when I spoke to him he focused as if recognizing my voice...a voice he had heard through out the nine months. At that moment I felt so much emotion, indescribable feeling of accomplishment that Fabio and I had created such a perfect human being. A perfect gift from up  above. 

Then came his walking, his talking, his little voice, his giggles that would make my day. The nights when he couldn’t sleep, when he was sick, hurt or just wanted mommy to hold him or rock him. When he held my hand and he never wanted to let go and I didn’t want to either.

With those also came, his cries, his tantrums, his “life is unfair”, his heartbreaks when a girl broke his heart ( my heart was broken too). His concussion, his attitude, his bad grade, his good grade, his singing, his piano and guitar playing. His soccer goals and his speed. His kindness, his wisdom, his strength to stick to what he believes in and his love for his siblings. He grew and he grew and he grew like the book says. He was not slowing down and just wanted to keep going. Through the ups and downs, through the highs and lows I am the one who tucks him in every night, kisses him and tells him “you, Noah and Milah are the loves of my life”. 

I will look at him tomorrow and wonder how time could have gone so quickly and yet I still remember my baby in my arms. 

I know every mom and dad will be emotional tomorrow but also will be filled with joy. For we knew we would get here at some point, it just feels like it went too fast. 

I will continue tucking him in, keep kissing him and telling him how special he is. I will continue being his number one fan, President and founder of his fan club. I will continue holding his hand until he pulls it away. I will continue loving the sound of his giggles and the sound of his ever growing changing voice. For I am his mother and will be forever. 

Congratulations to all the parents and their kids who are graduating.  

And to my son Lucas, daddy and I could not be more prouder!!!!!

I quit!!!!!!

I quit being a mother and wife today....I mean only for a few hours. I had just about had enough!!!  I couldn't do it anymore!!!  If one more person complained to me or asked me for anything including the dog I think I would have yelled so hard that steam would have come out of my ears and my head would have exploded just like a cartoon!!

We just had gotten home from a being in the soccer field for Lucas soccer games. We had left the house at 7:10am and didn't get home until 1 pm. I was sweaty, hungry, thirsty and just tired of it all!!!  I always bring a whole bag of snacks to the field because everyone suddenly gets hungry when we are at the field. The minute I set up the chairs and sit down to watch my oldest play soccer the other two are suddenly hungry even though Fabio had just made a huge breakfast and they had seconds and thirds. The minute they see mommy sitting and actually relaxing they remember they are hungry, thirsty and all of sudden find bruises or cuts in their bodies that they believe are actually there but they are not. They had never even mentioned the invisible cut or bruises but the minute mommy sits down all of a sudden they appear and then they want a band aid, medicine and mommy to tend to it. Everything bothers them including the sun shinning in their face and the ant that is no where near them but they swear the ant is coming for them. And then there's the husband who cannot bring water himself so then he asks you for water and you are like" I didn't pack an extra one for you". I packed for all the kids and one for myself but I won't even drink that extra bottle in case one of the kids gets extra thirsty and I have to give that one away. I won't even eat anything in fear that if I eat an apple....if I eat the green apple that all of a sudden after eating everything in the bag they decide that the green apple is just what they need and it has to be green, it can't be yellow or red, IT HAS TO BE GREEN!!!!  So now my darling husband you will die of thirst like I do every soccer season just in case we run out of water and that last bottle is desperately needed to avoid that tantrum that surely will have every mom and dad look at me and wonder "why would she not come prepare.... Poor kids"!!!!

On top of it all all, I am going through teenage acne. I'm serious!!!  For some reason, the acne has somehow picked a favorite place to settle in...my nose and not only my nose but the tip of my nose. It's like it wants everyone to see that it beat me.  It wants to say hi, to be acknowledged that it has invade my nose.  I never suffered with acne as a child or teenager but suddenly I'm 40 and the acne thinks now is the time to come and let it be shown And it actually hurts. So there I am in the soccer field with red acne in the tip of my nose sweating profusely with no water and no green apple!!!!!  

We get home and everyone is complaining they are hungry. So I quickly warm up some left overs and say "see ya....I'm going to take a big long nap and I will see you guys later this evening". This is when I know I married the right man. Yes, he can't bring water for himself and always forgets to take the recycling out but at this moment...this precise moment he reminded me why I still love him. He said nothing....did nothing.... He let me go. He actually let me go to my room, close the door and quit being a mom and a wife. He knew I needed time off to readjust/unwind and come back as my old self. 

I closed my bedroom door took two Benadryl and slept like a baby. Why Benadryl you ask?  Because if I don't force myself to sleep, I will not sleep. I will be thinking under my covers of all the things I should be doing instead of sleeping. I will think of how much laundry, ironing and decluttering I have to do.  I would be filled of guilt that would literally wake me up and leave me more exhausted than I was.  It's not healthy for me and the kids. I needed to shut down completely and I did!!!  I got up at 6pm and felt great. I took a shower and watched the last half hour of bad moms!!!  I love that movie. I remember my mom saying that when she was a young mom it was frown upon to complain of being a mom, no one said a thing. No one complained about exhaustion, laundry, cleaning, cooking and no one ever said anything bad about their kids. She said that women are lucky today that they can talk to each other of how hard it is to be a mom and wife not to mention working at the same time. No wonder so many of those moms have nervous break downs later in life like my mom did. They bottle up all that frustration and exhaustion that it comes pouring out later in life.   

I came out of room at 630pm and there were toys everywhere. The kids ran to hug me screaming how much they miss me and how much they loved me. Surprisingly no one complained they were hungry and then I saw the open tortilla chip bag that was almost all gone. Oh well, I made dinner and they ate, took showers, Milah is sleeping and now we are watching TV together while Noah cleans up all the toys. He is the one that creates all the mess. It looks like the play room threw up all over my house but Thankfully it's being cleaned up.  

Even though it was a hard day, exhausting actually, and even though I still have acne in my nose I always try to look at the bright side. I have kids who understand and respect when mommy needs a time out, I have a husband who supports me and let's me have a time out without any guilt and in the dark my red nose helps me find my way since it shines up like Rudolph. 

So moms take some time off, your family will survive without you!!!!  I promise!!!

Hello Mom.......goodbye Mommy!!! 😞

Hello Mom...goodbye mommy 😞

I still remember when I first laid eyes on my Lucas. He came out without crying, we thought something was wrong but as soon as I saw him I knew he was fine...perfect actually. The doctor brought him to me, to introduce me to my son, my first born and ....I fell instantly in love. They only showed him to me for a few seconds but I remember each second.  His face was all wrinkled, his hands were up to his face but his eyes were squinting and he was looking around. He looked annoyed, his face had an expression of pure disgust "where the hell am I, why is it so cold and why are they lifting me up in the air". It's funny, he still does that wrinkly face expression when he is annoyed and it always brings me back to that same memory of when we first met. After our eyes met and I said "hi Lucas, I'm your mommy and this is your daddy" his annoyed expression was gone and his little mouth opened and he burst out crying as they took him away from us.  Fabio and I laughed that he probably saw our faces and said "crap those are my parents, get me out of here". 

Months and years went by and we fell in love with him more each day. Then we had Noah and Milah and although we fell in love with them as well, that first feeling that you get when you have your first child never goes away.  Not that we love Lucas more but he seems to be growing at a faster pace than we would like and because we are distracted with raising the other two and with life we kind of seem to miss certain things and make mistakes.  We always tell him he is our experiment child. We make mistakes with him sometimes or we do things wrong but that's only because we experience everything for the first time and we learn to do it better by the time we get to Noah and Milah. We always tell him "the first day you were home we brought you in the house in your car seat and we sat staring at you. We were scared of when you woke up. What would we do? How would we know what you need?  

Lucas is now nine and in seven months he turns the big "10"...he will be "two digits" as he likes to say and Fabio and I are so not ready. He still asks for kisses and hugs and occasionally wants me to stay with him until he falls asleep but those times are becoming less and less. He is getting bigger and saying older things, he is embracing his is independence and wants more of it, wanting to branch out more....away from us. 

One day he got back from soccer and took his shirt off and said "mommy I stink, do you know what that means, I need deodorant and I'm almost a man".  

He now wants and worries about how he looks. His outfits have to match and the sock colors have to match his whole outfit. He checks himself out in the mirror every day before leaving his room and does movements...weird ones like a mixture of poses that resemble Eminem and Justin Beiber. I ask him what he is doing and he says " I am seeing how my outfit looks when I am walking or standing, the shirt has to flow just the right way". 

He wants to wear his sports glasses all the time. He says his regular glasses make him look nerdy and his sports glasses make him look tougher "like I am kid you want to hang out with because I look cool, because in reality I am". 

He writes in his journal....alone with the door closed. He used to love writing stories and poems in the kitchen but now he is writing alone in his room and asks to be left alone with his thoughts which we respect. Later I ask him if he wants to talk about what he is writing about and he discusses with me things that I often think about but not when I was his age. He tells me about friends at school who bully others who look different. He says he yelled at one of his friends who was doing the bullying but deep inside is a nice guy. He said "why do you hang around those guys and act like them. Be your own person even if they don't like it but just be yourself". He also told me about how he was trying out for soccer and said to his friend "C" that he was nervous and "C" said to him "don't be scared Lucas you can do it". He added that "C" was just as nervous but brought up Lucas spirits just to help him. Lucas said that "C" was a great friend because he put his feelings and fears aside to help him.  Lucas also added that he writes in his journal about things he wants to do in the future to help people and to help animals. He added that we need a better place to live in, where people treat each other with respect and are loyal. This country is selfish mommy and no one benefits from that.  When his brother gets in trouble at school for doing things that are not right Lucas advises him. "Noah don't go with the crowd, if someone does something bad don't repeat their behavior then everyone will think you are just as bad. You can be friends with everyone Noah just as long as you are your own person".  He worries about his teenage years because he says teenagers are meaner and do drugs. I always say drugs make you be someone you are not. To which he replies " I will never do drugs then". Hoping he keeps his promise. I secretly sneak into his journal to make sure all that he talks about is true and it is. I am proud.  

He asked for me not to call him "baby". "When I get off the bus mommy don't say "hi baby". I asked what he wanted me to say "just say hi normal but no baby". The next day he got off the bus and I said "hey what's up Lucas" and kind of made a pose like one of the ones  he does in the mirror every morning. He shook his head and walked away. I asked what was wrong "you are trying to act cool, just act yourself mommy". I didn't know if to be proud that he said be myself or insulted that I actually wasn't cool. The next day I said "hi Lucas, how was you day". He smiled, winked at me and said "good mommy, it was a good day". I passed although uncool...I passed. 

Lastly, he asked me if he can call me "mom"........I instantly cried.....I couldn't help it (it didn't help that aunt flow was in town and was overstaying her welcome) I asked "why, what's wrong with mommy ". He said "mommy was when I was a baby but now I am a big boy who's going to be two digits....it's time mommy...it's time for me to call you mom". I wiped my tears and asked for a hug, for a big tight tight long hug and said "ok". He said "mom, don't worry I still love you and think you are the best, you did nothing wrong, I'm just growing up....that's life". So simple. 

I had a few more glasses of wine that night....that is life, he is right. When Noah and Milah ask to call me "mom" I will be more prepared and though it will hurt too it will never compared to my first heartbreak. I will need to buy a vineyard by then.