Desperately Seeking for Answers

When my husband and I bought our home we made sure it was a good neighborhood, a good school district and I made sure to check that there were no child molesters near our home. We were protecting our children before they were even born. That's what all parents do. They try their best to provide a safe and loving home for their children. Every generation tries to do better than the one before. You have no idea how much you will love your new bundle of joy until you hold them for the very first time. You will give them the world and promise to protect them always. So what do you do when your child is taken away so suddenly and so violently. What could you have done differently? Did you fail them in any way? It's thoughts like this that I am sure run through the parents of those 20 innocent lives we lost in Newtown, CT.

I am desperately seeking for answers........How do we protect our children? What do parents need to do, what does society need to do, what do I need to do? I am scared for my children, scared of sending them into a world I no longer feel safe in. I recently read somewhere that we should not be worrying about what kind of world we are leaving behind for our children but what kind of children we are raising and leaving to our world. I never thought of that. Its all so true and frightening. Should I never introduce video games to my Children? Should i be an advocate for the banning of guns.....will that keep my children safe? Should I quit my job and home school?

How do I keep these fears from my children? Can I ever put them in the bus without fear that I may never see them again? I am desperately seeking for answers......how do I make sure that my sons grow up to be good boys, good contributors to society, polite, honest, hard working? How do I make sure they don't hurt anyone or hurt themselves. I am Desperately seeking for answers......until I find them I have to do something I haven't done in a long time, I have to "PRAY".

101 questions

I could not wait until Lucas started talking.  I thought I would be one of those moms that would embraced all of the questions asked by their growing child.  I told myself I would never lie to my child, if I didn't know the answer I would find out and tell them the thruth.  I would never manipulate my child or use anything to persuade him to do what I wanted him to do.  We would talk it out and our lines of communications would always be opened.  OK, I was naive and completely did not know what I was talking about.  With Lucas, I have lied, manipulated, used any tricks that I can use and I honestly can say they were necessary.  Now, with Noah I am afraid I will be doing the same thing. 

Lucas is constantly asking questions and sometimes I dont know the answer or just too tired to explain it all.  Sad but true. 

Lucas questions,

Lucas: why is Jesus always in a cross?  who put him there? how can he help people if he is in a cross? how can Jesus hear me if he is Heaven, that is far, how can he hear me?
Mommy: Let's wait one more year and then you will be going to Jesus school so there you can ask all these questions to them.  OK. ;)

Lucas: why do you pee sitting down?  you are doing it wrong, let me show you.....
Mommy: no it's OK, girls pee this way.
Lucas: why don't you have a pee pee mommy?
Mommy: go ask your father.

Lucas: what kind of people live in Jupiter?
mommy: no one lives in Jupiter?
Lucas: why?
mommy: Because its a different planet and I don't think anyone has ever been there?
Lucas: Why mommy?  how can we know if anyone lives there then?
Mommy: Ask your Father.

Lucas:  mommy why do I have to eat my broccoli?
Mommy: because you won't grow if you don't?
Lucas: what proof do you have?
mommy: look at daddy, he didn't eat his broccoli and he didn't grow, uncle Kris ate all his broccoli and look how tall he is.
Lucas:  I think I need to eat all my broccoli!

Noah's questions:
Why?
But why?
why why why why why.........why?

If you are the mother that doesn't do this, than I am impressed and more power to you.  I hope one day the boys forgive me. 

How did this happen?

I turned 36 years old today.  I don't know how it happened so fast. How has this happened?  I feel like I blinked and here I am close to the big "40".  When I was 21, I thought 36 was way old and now I am here "old".  At times I don't feel old.  When I am with my girlfriends from college I feel 21 again.  When I am at work and meet young ones I feel 36 years old.  When I was with the boys after a long days work I feel older and way tired.  Lucas asked me today how old I was.  I said "guess".  He said "you are seventeen mommy".  I said "go higher".  He couldn't guess so I gave up on the guessing game  and I told him my age and his reaction was "mommy you are really old but you look so tiny".  He is too cute.

I always wanted to be married with at least 2 kids by this age and a career set, Thank God this has all happened.  I hope that the rest of my years are just as good or better.  A friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said "sleep".  I got it, got to take a 1 hour nap and it felt amazing.  I needed it, Fabio wanted to go out to dinner with the boys for my birthday.  I love going out to dinner but with a toddler and a preschooler its exhausting.   It was fun but I was glad when the check came so that we may return home without an embarrassing moment in hand, maybe there were a few but maybe I just didn't care,  hey it was my birthday.  Noah was dancing with the background music, actually got up on his seat and rock to the tunes.  Lucas kept asking why was there music with no one singing and why would there be music at a restaurant without anyone dancing.  The waitress came with a cake and sang "happy birthday" and I felt old.  Lucas blew out my candle before I made a wish.  :(  I couldn't even have an alcoholic beverage because I drove separately there and met Fabio at the restaurant.  When we got home I still couldn't have a drink, Fabio had to put Noah to bed, I had to finish homework with Lucas, put Lucas to bed, finish work and set up my work for tomorrow, lay out the kids clothes for tomorrow, lay out my clothes for tomorrow, take a shower, prepare lunch for Lucas tomorrow.  A mothers job doesn't stop just because it's your birthday, especially on a weekday.  Thank God for that nap.