That same old feeling.....

I should have known....... that same old feeling. My gut telling me something was going on, something was changing, something was coming. I had been through this before, two times.....I knew. I should have seen the signs, they were everywhere, I was familiar with them. Maybe I was afraid, I thought that chapter in my life was closed. God had other plans.

I awoke one morning and felt a sudden difference, I had felt this way before but I couldn't quite figure it out. The flu was going around and the stomach bug was striking homes but that was not quite it. As the morning passed I began to feel pain in my breasts. I knew that feeling but could it be?  As I was getting older, that feeling was becoming more frequent and stronger when I got closer to aunt Flo's visit once a month. Could I be going through menopause....early menopause?  

Sure Aunt Flo was a few days late but I had been working a lot those days and I just thought Aunt Flo was late, she had been late before so I was not worried at all. 

The next day I went to brush my teeth and threw up three times......definitely the  stomach flu I thought. I was in the car later that day and heard a song that reminded me of college and that old boyfriend that broke my heart, I began crying.....sobbing.....like the river wild. I had not cried for this boy for over 17 years....but there I was crying over a song that reminded me of him. What????!!!!!

I was more exhausted than usual, was passing out by 9pm and by 3pm I felt that I needed a long nap. I thought my RA was coming back strong again. I made an appointment to see my doctor the week after to see if we could increase the meds. 

I hate orange juice and Love coffee, one morning I woke up and chugged a tall glass of orange juice and the smell of coffee made me puke. What?!!!!!???  This must be earlyt menopause or insanity.  

On a Friday evening, we were at Tae Kwon Doe for Lucas belt test. I was pooped and Noah like usual could not sit still. He was an animal running all over the place. Fabio and I took shifts watching him making sure that he did not disturb the tests. When it was my turn to sit down i sat next to my brother-in-law (sisters husband). As soon as I sat down he says "are you pregnant". Out of the blue.....as if saying it was as natural as saying hello. "WHAT!!!!! No I am not pregnant, we are done remember, shop is closed, out of business". I said. I was so offended. Did I look bigger than usual?  What would he ask such a horrible question?  My sister came over and sat next to us and I whisper to her what her husband had just asked me. She was so mad at him "you never tell a woman she is pregnant when she is not...you are so rude". She said. Good now she was mad at him, serves him right for saying something so silly. 

He goes on to say "well, she looks exhausted, not like her glowing self, I just thought she might be pregnant" he says. Then it hit me......exhausted......not like myself.  Fabio walked over at this point and I told him what had just happened. He laughed and said " don't worry, we are done, of course you look tired, Noah is nuts". Still I thought....could I be? 

We got home that evening and as soon as the kids were in bed I ran to the bathroom sink. I prayed that I had at least one pregnancy test left from before. Bingo, I had one, and it didn't expire yet. I quickly took it and anxiously waited for it in the bathroom. My heart was pumping. It couldn't be I thought, I had always wanted three but my RA disease would make it so hard to handle three, plus I had begun to love our life with our two boys. I accepted and loved our lives. Noah was out of diapers, Lucas was behaving so well and Fabio and had begun going on dates and double dating again.  Life was great now. I looked at the stick and there it was, the thruth, the confirmation that my life was yet again going to change. Two lines......red as clear lines....I was pregnant for the third time. Oh boy...or girl....oh man. 

I ran to the family room and saw Fabio on the couch, he was sitting watching television like the other two times I had told him this news. He saw my face and asked what was wrong. I couldn't speak...I handed over the stick that would also change his life....he saw it and looked at me and it with fear in his eyes. He hesitated but took it and said "is this yours". Ahhh, I wanted to smack him, no I had someone else pee on a stick and now I want to share it with you. I whispered yes. There was silence. We both didn't say anything and then I started crying, sobbing and he held me and then I went to bed. We didn't speak of it, afterall it was 9 pm and I needed to sleep. The next day I bought 4 more pregnancy test, even the idiot proof ones that say "pregnant or not pregnant". You know...just in case you can't understand the other ones with the directions of the lines and what means what. I needed to make sure I completely understood the test in case I confused the lines. God knows i wasn't myself these days. Four test later and all confirmed that number 3 was coming. Even the idiot proof ones said "pregnant ". Yes I was, no doubt now, my life was going to change, all of our lives will change. 

That old feeling was our baby saying " hello there mommy I'm coming ready or not"  Surprise...yes.....scared....yes....but so thankful that God thought that we deserved another member of our family. We await till December 24, (can you tell it was not planned) for our third...Christmas will never be the same. Wish us luck. 

"Fat" is not OK!!!!

Growing up I did not have the best perception of myself. Didn't like my body, didn't like my face, hated my voice .........it sounded like a chipmunk and hated that I was toooo nice, I didn't have a backbone. I had wonderful parents that always reassured me that I was beautiful and smart and that being too nice was not a weakness. It still didn't help, I wanted to be as beautiful as my older sister and as smart as my younger. Thankfully with help from my parents, friends, family and sisters and Fabio my perception of myself changed. I accept who I am and respect who I have become. 

  When I met Fabio and we talked about having children I knew I wanted to make sure that my kids always felt beautiful, smart and confident. Fabio is the complete opposite of me. He is confident about himself, strong minded. not always a strenght i may add ;)), is nice but sticks up for what he believes no matter what, he doesn't let anyone or anything bring him down. I wanted our kids to feel that ......boy or girl. 

God so far has given me boys and from the minute they were born I have always commented on how handsome they are. In fact, every morning after they brush their teeth and I am brushing their hair I ask them "look in the mirror......who do you see". Their response "a handsome smart boy". And they smile........ BIG. Maybe I am making them conceited but I need them to not only know it but see it and I'm trying the best I can.  Noah has been called cute by others to which he responds "I not cute I handsome". He knows it at 3..... he knows it. 

Another thing I wanted the boys to learn was that just because they feel good about themselves doesn't mean that if they see someone that looks different than them that they should treat them bad. Growing up I hated the word "fat". It was an awful word, not a potty word but a hurtful word. I taught the boys that this word was not acceptable in our home, that it should never be used and we should always defend those who are called that and advise those that use theword,  that its not a nice word. Our cat Bashy is what most would consider plump. When Lucas was little and he asked if Bashy was "fat" we told him that we didn't like that word and that it was a hurtful word. "We prefer to say he is just a little big". A friend of Lucas came over one day and saw Bashy and yelled "fat cat". Lucas quickly ran and covered Bashys ears and said that it was hurtful to say the word and that we prefer to say he is just a little big. The boy looked at us strange but never has used that word in our home again. 

At Lucas school right before school was over a mom came up to me and asked "are you lucas mom?". I was scared that he was in trouble and that I as his mother would get blamed. She proceeded to tell me that her daughter had come home one day so happy. Her daughter went on to say that she was at school recess when all the kids began calling her "fat" and they were all laughing and she was crying. All the kids joined in and laughed but one kid didn't laugh and came forward, grabbed her hand and said "everyone stop laughing, you are not being nice, you should never use that word, its a hurtful word. God made her this way and she is perfect". He then turned to her and said "don't cry, you are perfect just the way God made you". That kid ......:was my Lucas. The kids left the girl alone and Lucas stayed with her until recess was over. Later in the day he gave her a drawing. The drawing her mom explained had the little girl dressed up as a princess on top of a stage and everyone else on the floor was drawn tiny. The little girl felt so special and the mom was so grateful and I .......was SO PROUD.  "You are raising a good kid", she said. 

Another parents came up to me a few weeks before and asked again "are you Lucas mom". He went on to explain that his daughter is a little slow. She doesn't have a learning disabilities but is just natural slow at doing things and is not good at sports at all due to her being slow (I can relate I am not good at any sports either). He said that his daughter told him that Lucas never makes fun of her and always waits for her, he is the only kid that does that in the class. The dad thanks me for raising such a good kid. Again, I was beaming with joy and such admiration for my sweet boy. 

Noah is still little but I have no doubt he will also be like his big brother Lucas. With all the craziness in our life's, it is nice to know that the values that we are teaching the boys is sticking to them. That makes all of the chaos worth it.  

First family vacation.

O

Ahhh...... Vacation!  It use to be music to my ears when I was single. Then as a mom it was time with my little guys. When Lucas and Noah were little I use to look forward to just that one on one time with them. As they are getting older it turns into weeks of things I had to get done, weened them off the bottle, take away the pacifier, big boy bed transition and of course potty training. I have always taken a week off to do this. Fabio....just couldn't, he wouldn't have survived. He is a tough man and a devoted Father but Patience is not in him ........at all and all those tasks involved "patience" so I bit the bullet and took care of it myself.  

But now the boys were older and alone time with mommy at home was not enough to keep them satisfied all week. We decided it was time for family vacation.  It had to be about them. Wherever we went and did it had to include them and make sure they had a good time. We couldn't do Disney because we wanted to drive and not drive for hours. We decided to do amusement parks. We would do two days of Dutch Wonderland, two days of Hershey Park and two days of Great Adventure. We didn't make concrete plans due to both Fabio and I being busy at work and between birthday parties and end of the year for the boys at school  it turned out to be too much. So we were kind of winging it and that actually made it fun. We made reservations the day we were leaving for all three parks and were excited for our adventure. The boys couldn't notkeep their excitement down.  

On the way to Dutch I put on a movie for them but they were screaming with joy.  Thank God "power rangers movie" calmed them down. When we arrived in lancaster we were starving and the boys were jumping for joy when we got to our room. They were jumping on beds and laughing. It was cute. It also didn't help that a wedding was going on downstairs and you could hear the music and from our balcony you can see the guests dancing. The wedding ended at ten and then it was lights out. 

The boys loved Dutch and all the rides. They were beside themselves not knowing which rides  to go to first. We stayed till really late and we could see that one day of thrilling rides was already too much for them but we had to go through the rest. The next day the boys couldn't wake up. They were exhausted. They couldn't even eat breakfast. They had no energy. This was going to be fun. I decided to dress the boys alike so it will be easier to find them. As you can see from the  picture of both of them Noah couldn't even smile and Lucas looked disoriented. From the picture of me and Fabio you can also see Fabios fake smile as his exhaustion was also setting in. I was happy not to be cooking, working or having to do anything around the house. I smiled. 

The next day Lucas woke up and his cheeks were bright red almost like someone had slapped him really hard and under his eyes were large red circles. We panicked and cancel our morning Amish buggy ride and took him straight to the hospital. It was his first time and our first time with our kids in the Emergency room. The service at this hospital was unreal. From the moment we walked in to the moment we walked out we were there for exactly 45 minutes. Have never heard of this before and I have been to the ER plenty of times. Turns out our Lucas had Fifths disease a virus that was going around in his school. It makes their cheeks very red and with time the redness goes away and they feel better. But they do have flu like symptons during the rash. it's not dangerous only to pregnant women in their first trimester.  It's only contagious before the rash so that's why it can easily be passed on. By the time the redness comes they are no longer contagious. The second picture shows lucas with his red cheeks still smiling.  

Then we were off the Hershey park. The doctor said Lucas might be tired (that explains it) and Noah will probably be getting it too. Wonderful we thought. Let them eat whatever they want just as long as they eat and stay hydrated. So we gave them all the junk food they desired. I never had to fight with them to eat their food.... it was fantastic. Wish I could do this forever.  

When we got to Hershey we tried the water park and Noah was not having it. He hated it. Refused to get anywhere near the water. I tried taking pictures again and tried also in the car but they were both so grumpy. I yelled "we are going to have fun, we are going to smile, I am just as tired but we are going to smile because we need pictures to remind us of this wonderful family vacation so suck it up and smile for the camera". Yes I said Suck it up, very unlike me but it got the point across. Their faces were in shock and when I said cheese they smiled. 

When we got to Hershey our hotel sucked and after one night we went to another that we loved. Except a tropical storm was there and we lost power only for a few hours at night. Thank God the boys were tired and fell asleep. While at Hershey we visited their zoo and as we passed the wolves there was a horrible urine odor. A boy about 4 years old behind Noah yelled "yuck you stink". Noah thought the boy was referring to him. Noah turned around and yelled "you are a mean boy, you don't say that word, I no stink". Then turned to me and said "mommy that boy mean, I no stink mommy". The boys mom explained that her son was talking about the wolves but Noah stomped his tiny feet up the hill and Fabio, Lucas and I laughed. It was priceless. I tell you that Noah does not stand back. 

By the time we got to great adventure Fabio and I were all tired out of the amusement parks. We were exhausted. We decided to only do the safari and went home a day early. 

On the day back home no one spoke to each other. The kids went to play with their toys quietly and Fabio and I just layer on the couch in and out of consciousness. We had don it,

we had survived our first family vacation and although it had been fun it had been tough work. Now if only we could take a vacation from that vacation. No can do, tomorrow back to work. Oh man.