Guilt

I never knew about "blogging" before this.  I thought it was something celebrities did to update you on their life's.  That is how old I am , so not with the times.  But, a friend of mine began a blog called "spiltmilk".  I love it, it was about her fantastic talent of crafts and doing her baby's nursery, she made everything fit so well together and practically made everything herself.  I also began looking to other blogs pertaining to "motherhood" and realize that I was not alone.  I was not the only one feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, juggling it all and full of "GUILT".  My sister "Aura" had said to me when you become a mother is when you will feel "guilt" like never before.  She was so right.  I feel guilty about everything.  I feel guilty as I am writing this and not spending time with them as they are playing with Fab in the family room.  When I leave for work, I feel guilty, when I am home I feel guilty because I am thinking of everything else to do around the house that I am not really there for them.  I feel guilty when I yell at them and when I am not with them.  Guilt,Guilt,Guilt.......................Guilt. 

My Fab's believe it or not feels it worse.  I can actually go out with my friends and enjoy myself without having the need to check in on them all the time.  Not my Fab's, he is always sending texts to see how the boys and I are doing.  Guilt again..................... that I don't do that. 

I remember "Aura", also saying that at her wedding she now realizes that all the married women looked around and probably laughed at her saying "poor girl, she is so happy, she has no idea how hard it is to keep a marriage alive".  She is right, along with Guilt about your kids, it's guilt about your marriage.  "was I really that mean to Fab's...?  Did I really need to snap at him?  Should I hang out with him instead of sleeping?". Guilt.   It goes both ways on that, it's hard not to snap and be mean to your significant other because they are there and you know that at the end they understand.   Fabio always says to me that everyone always thinks I am so sweet and never yell....if they only knew he says. He is right...I am not perfect but motherhood has brought out these layers in me that I never knew I had. 

Wise Aura, also said that at her baby shower women were probably saying "poor girl, she is so happy now but wait till the baby comes and she doesn't sleep and have a moment to herself, she won't be smiling that much".  She is right too.  I remember thinking how happy I was when Lucas was born.  Thinking all the other moms at the stores with their kids crying were just not "understanding" their kids or being "good moms".  I am that mom now with the screaming kids who I try to bribe with everything in that store and they are still screaming.  At first, I was humiliated.....what would people think.....they will think I am a bad mother who has no control of their children (breathe Claudia.....breathe).  Now, I have learned to let it go, if they are out of control I leave the store, there is no point in arguing with a toddler and a preschooler, its a losing battle.  But then the Guilt comes, I didn't get what I was suppose to at the store and "why can't I control them".  Guilt.

When I was home on maternity leave after having Noah, I was full of guilt.  It was so hard to be home with a baby, nursing, potty training a 3 year old and still trying to be the "welcome home honey" WIFE to Fab's.  I was never happy.  I could not wait to go back to work.  There are times, I wanted to run from Long Island to the office in New York City and scream "TAKE ME BACK....PLEASE TAKE ME BACK....GIVE ME ANY CASE......SEND ME OUT OF THE COUNTRY IF YOU NEED TO".  So instead I would breathe.  Guilt, why couldn't I handle this?  Why was I not happy with being home with my babies?  I did not have postpartum but I did have the blues.  I still feel guilty about those days but realize I am only human.  Glad, there are too young to remember that crazy mom they had for those two months.

I think I will always have "guilt".  I have learned that comes with Motherhood, I just hope that I don't scar them for life.  I think that "Guilt" is normal, afterall we made these babies, they are our whole world and you do want to be the best you can for them.