Yelling............Patience.

I never use to yell and I had sooooooo much patience.  I think I could have been a nun with all the patience I had.  I could probably have gone through the convent training that they do in Italy where there is no talking and live in a quiet state of life ( I could probably use this now).  I could have done all of those things.  But that is the past, that was the old me and then the new me arose after becoming a mother. 

I mean I yelled at concerts, yelled at sorority functions in college (after a few drinks), my voice may have gone at a higher pitch (after a few drinks), I also have been known to sing really loudly in my car, I use to sing when I was a young. But this type of yelling, this voice that comes out of me out of frustration after repeating myself to my kids, negotitating until I am blue, bribing them, pleading with them, threatening them, this yelling I don't recognize.  The first time I caught myself yelling at a pitch that even scared me I wanted to cry.  Who was this woman?  Was I possessed?  Did I eat something bad?  Did I drink before?  NO!!!  It was me, a new layer that had unfolded.  IT WAS ME!!  I wanted to run away or admit myself somewhere and most of all I wanted to run to my Mother and Father and say "I am sorry".  I wanted to apologize to them for the times that I made those layers unfold for them.  I felt terrible and I grabbed Lucas and held him until he told me he couldn't breathe.  But after that first yell, came more and more.........and more.  I haven't stopped since.  I feel like I do it too often.  I once asked Lucas "what can I do to help you listen to me, what can I do for you to be a good boy".  His answer "stop yelling at me mommy".  I thought we had a breakthrough, this was the answer, super nanny and parent magazine was right.  So I made a pact, no yelling for a month but nothing changed.  He still had tantrums, he still didn't listen and he at times was not a good boy, he is a kid after all and that is normal.  Normal, I realized that my yelling is also normal for a mother.  I just needed "PATIENCE".

Like I said before patience was one of my talents.  I had patience for everything but that has disappeared.  Completely gone.  I don't have patience for my boys, for Fab's, for my whining cat, at the pediatricians office when I make an appointment but yet still have to wait with screaming children in tow.  I also loose my patience when going through the drive thru at "Dunkin Donuts" just to get a cup of coffee ( because the thought of getting out of the car, unbuckling, making sure they touch nothing in the store and then buckling was just too exhausting to do) and then the woman in front of me is ordering two dozens donuts and then is taking her time to pick which donuts and which colors she wants.  Why?!  I mean get the hell out of the car and stop holding up the line and get out of my way so I can get to my COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have no patience for that.  It's like when I go the store I am in a race with time.  I don't mess around, I unbuckle, put them in the cart, quickly remind Lucas about the rules of staying by the cart, speed walk like a mad woman in the store, go to the necessary aisles, skipping the candy, toy or anything that may look interesting to a kid, I get the necessary items and then speed walk to the smallest line and pray that they don't see anything appealing near the cashier.  I pray that they cashier guy knows what he is doing and that the person in front of me does not have any problems sliding the card through and paying for their items.  I pray for all of this because I know that at any second my patience will be MIA if something gets in my way of my mission to get out of the store without a tantrum, cry, fight and with all the necessary items I had to buy.  When that happens I AM A HAPPY WOMAN.  But like all you mothers know it rarely happens that way.  I have had times where as soon as we enter a tantrum happens, Lucas wants something, Noah wants to get out of the shopping cart, I leave everything in the cart and fight with them to buckle them into their car seats.  These are the times where i wish I had a designated driver so I could stop by the nearest bar and do a shot of tequila. 

I pray for this yelling to go away and for my patience to return. 

New layers of me that I never knew, how many more will unfold and when will the old me return.